The Stanley Clan

Sleep Deprivation and Grace

2012-02-28T18:12:00.001-05:00

Three years ago, I sat on the same faded green couch I am sitting on now. My sweet little bundle of joy (Jayci) was nestled in one bouncing arm while I desperately pecked out Google searches with the other hand. I was determined to figure out what I was missing. Surely every other momma out there knew the secret: getting their baby to sleep. And more, getting them to sleep IN THEIR CRIB rather than exclusively in exhausted arms. Certainty filled me: there was definitely some sort of mom-club that everyone else had been invited to, and I was missing out on. I had a vague idea that the club involved sleep-training and baby-wearing, but I wasn't quite sure how to join or really what either of those things even meant. I googled "how to get your baby to sleep in her crib," and subsequently spent hours pouring over blogs and website providing a confusing spiderweb of answers. Moms who assured me with photos and words that one should definitely be able to clean and cook and entertain and write beautifully with a newborn, who should be sleeping through the night by eight weeks old anyhow . . . . or else sleeping in your bed in co-sleeping-breast-feeding-newborn-bliss. I was confused, sleep-deprived, self-loathing, and desperate.

Three years later I sit on the green couch and tug at a stubborn zipper on a slip-covered pillow that haven't been washed in who-knows-how-long. Jayci is yelling at me from her "rest-time" that she wants to come out, which is causing Caden to stir angrily in my arms. He has already, after-all, been asleep for nearly fifteen minutes, which is clearly long enough. I sigh loudly. I'm having one of those days again. The kind when Adam is out chopping wood (literally) for who-knows-what, and the three-year old is in rare form, and the six month old who hasn't slept in six months continues to not-sleep. And I am daydreaming about running away to the nearest hotel where I will collapse in blissful sleep.

A few nights ago, Caden only woke up ONE time all night and I was nearly giddy with the excitement and prospects of what lay ahead. Clearly, before long they would BOTH be sleeping all night! And also napping simultaneously! And I would do laundry and NOT forget to put it in the dryer! And then I would fold it and put it away that same day rather than waiting for weeks! And the dishes wouldn't stack up! And the kiddos would always be polite and respectful and never steal things from us!

But things don't always go as planned, and the last three nights Caden has woken up at least once an hour all-night-long. I realize we've developed some bad-sleep-habits with our sweet little guy (mostly because of his health stuff), but I dont have the energy or stamina at 3am to risk him waking Jayci up by letting him cry even for a few minutes. Besides, who can remember in the constant fog of sleep-deprivation whose turn it is to get up with the baby and how long it's been since he last ate? My only thought is of the quickest route back into my bed.

And so I am still confused. And sleep-deprived. And definitely desperate.

I am, however, a whole lot less self-loathing about the whole thing. Because if I've learned anything in the past three years it is this: there is no mom-club. Or if there is, it's merely the triumphant joining of mothers who have realized that there is no formula, no secret. Only babies who like to sleep and babies who don't. Only moms who breast-feed and those who give formula. Those who cry-it-out and others who co-sleep. Moms who have realized that over every single one of us is a God who lavishes grace. A Father who stands in the gap when my patience wears thin with all-the-tantrums and the lack of sleep. Who offers me hope and fresh starts each morning. Because maybe today will be the day that my sweet-miracle-baby finally lets me sleep for eight uninterrupted hours. Or at least three. And if not? Well I have the blessed assurance that He will sustain me through the weariness. That just as surely as He carried me while Caden was in the hospital, He will carry me now, through the mundane days and sleepless nights.

So for all those moms who are struggling to find their way, who are certain that everyone else has it together and has everything figured out. Let me assure you: we don't. Even right this minute, I can barely keep my eyes open wide enough to remind Jayci not to jump off the couch and to ask her to take the marker away that Caden has somehow got his hands on. I am praying for all of you today (and for myself) that we will get some sleep. And that even if we don't, we will find REST and refreshment in the arms of a loving Father who extends grace in my shortcomings, and reminds me that it is those very shortcomings that will point my children to Him.

Some Stuff . . .

2012-02-26T21:14:00.000-05:00

Also, I didn't take any pictures. It's like I don't even know who I am. I did, however, snap these two quick ones after church when we went out for lunch with my family.

2 -My kids both love to laugh. Which makes me happy.

3 - The other day we had this gorgeous fantastic weather. So we dragged out our blanket and lay in the sun reading books. The sun was warm on my back while I read A Severe Mercy, and Jayci looked at Goldilocks, and Caden chewed on "Ten Tiny Tickles." Basically, it was perfection. Until I got too hot and I remembered it was only February and I didn't know how I was going to survive the summer.

4 - I dont know if I mentioned that my friend Danielle is living with us right now (she's a hairdresser). As a result, my hair has been more colors in the past few months than it has been in my entire life. Right now it's got red in it. Jayci's response? "Red is NOT my favorite color mommy."

5 - Mornings when Adam gets up with Jayci are some of my favorite times ever. I lay with my smiling boy in bed, and the sun streams through the blinds and makes my whole day bright. It's good for my soul. Particularly after a rough night like last night when Caden was up at LEAST once every hour. Sigh.

Love and Grace and Messes

2012-02-20T15:41:00.000-05:00

I don't know if anyone noticed (just humor me and pretend you did even if you didn't), but I wasn't around much last week. Adam and I have been trying to figure out some stuff, and I have been sitting staring at this computer screen for quite some time (since Valentine's day to be exact). . . I'm just not sure how to share, or what the best way is to respond and deal with the whole situation. And now I'm making it sound like a bigger deal than it actually is, or even than we think it is. Anyways, all that to say that I am sharing this with humility and hopefulness that you will be praying for us to demonstrate grace and love.
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It's late afternoon on valentine's day, and I am attempting to get Caden to sleep in his crib, a painstaking and often unsuccessful task. I hum softly as I gently lay Caden down, just as I hear the front door fly open and kiddos burst in, a cacophony of laughter and loud and an unmistakable valentine's day sugar high.

I catch the door before it bangs and gently slide shut the barn door, hoping (in vain probably) that the double barrier will keep Caden's eyes closed for more than 10 minutes. I grin as I am immediately accosted by a dozen little arms, offering candy, giving hugs, telling me about their valentine's day. Jayci is in the midst of the bunch, her skin milk to their chocolate. She bosses them incessantly, reminding them all to "play nice," and calling them by their nicknames: boo-boo, daddy, maya, oj . . .

"Daddy" asks me to help with his homework, and he plops down in Jayci's small wooden chair. I sit next to him on a blue chevron floor cushion, impatient to grab the pencil and write answers for him, reminding me once again why I probably should never homeschool.

The sugar high is unmistakable in the especially boisterous crew today. They fight over Candyland, track mud through the house, and pull forty seven books off the shelves before I finally suggest they take the frisbee and football and go outside to work off a little steam. Minutes later, a few of the littlest boys tumble back through the door, offering me roses from the man on the corner.

My heart feels full as I snip the ends off the roses and arrange them in a mason jar on the counter. Finally, we herd the crew out the door, their hands and mouths sticky with the rice krispie treat kisses we made. I breathe a sigh of resignation as I go back inside and begin again the never-ending task of cleaning up. We make the kiddos pick up after themselves, but that inevitably means a candy-land-man left here, a domino there, the queen of spades under the table, and candy wrappers hidden in seat cushions. While I'm straightening piles and shuffling papers back where they belong, I notice: Adam's wallet is gone. Cautiously I ask Adam if he moved it, or if he had seen it anywhere else. We rummage through the entire house before admitting defeat, and acknowledging that one of the kiddos had probably taken it.

We knew who had done it. Or at least we were pretty sure we knew. Like 85% sure. Not sure enough to accuse, and not yet close enough or familiar enough to talk to his mom. This particular boy is one I've been determined to befriend. He's a tough nut to crack, but I am relentless and stubborn. When we moved in this past summer, we would spend most evenings sitting in the muggy Georgia night on our front porch, swatting bugs, people watching, and drinking homemade peach milkshakes. I would sweat profusely, patting my rounded belly, propping up my hopelessly swollen ankles, and declare night after night that I was going to befriend that little boy. He was always out, regardless of the hour. His cheerful loud voice rang out as the lone child among the adults on the street corner. I was never sure who he belonged to, or why he was out with "unsavory" characters at all hours of the night. But in the stagnant heat of July, I dreamed already of next summer, when he would sit with us on our front porch instead. Eating popsicles and playing cards and enjoying being a kid rather than growing up too fast.

And so, even in this act, I am saddened but not particularly angry or surprised. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that we want to take advantage of teachable moments, I would be tempted to just let the whole thing slide by, pretending oblivion. But I am convinced that someone needs to love these kids well. And sometimes loving well means disciplining, erecting boundaries, and enforcing them.

The next day, we leave the cheerful yellow sign off the door. Conspicuous in its absence, a few kids knock insistently on the door anyways (they always do), asking what is going on, why we aren't "open" that day. We explain that someone had taken Adam's wallet, and that we are taking a few days to figure everything out and think about how best to proceed. Quite quickly, we are inundated with kiddos calling and knocking and letting us know who took the wallet (the same kiddo we had suspected). We are flooded with offers of retribution, and begging to come back in. The flurry is exhausting. I am so ready, willing, eager to show grace. But I am at a loss as to how best to demonstrate grace to someone who doesn't acknowledge that he wants or even needs it.

And I wonder how often Jesus stands frustrated, ready to forgive us, arms open wide. While we ignore, cajole, deny. We put our walls up, certain of pain, unforgiveness. Divine retribution. And yet, still he stands there. Waiting.

So tomorrow, after much prayer and family time, and wise counsel, we will hang the yellow "hello" out beside the door. And the kiddos will come in. And we will risk, once again, losing things. Having toys, or cans of Sprite, or snacks, or even our wallets stolen. But they are just things, and hearts are always always always more important than things. So even when we are saddened or disappointed. Or when we lose things we think might be important, I will grit my teeth to show grace. Pulling it out again and again, its edges worn smooth from use. But Grace only grows more beautiful with use, changing us and dazzling all those who encounter it.

Still, I am stubborn in my pursuit. Because I know that is how Jesus pursues us. Stubbornly, unendingly. Forever. And we will pursue reconciliation, while erecting boundaries and expecting more from him. But always, always, we will point him back to the Truth. I will paint with grace-graffiti over the lies he has learned about who he is. I will tell this little boy that he is more than the things he does. That stealing our wallet doesn't define him as a thief. Because we refuse to define him by anything other than what Jesus tells us he is. Beloved. Adopted. Chosen. Forgiven.

I Heart Faces: A Very Special Heart

2012-02-14T17:34:00.002-05:00

This week's theme at I Heart Faces is "hearts," and I simply couldn't resist entering this week. Although, as usual, I waited until the last minute and now I'm scrambling to get a post up before we have to leave for dinner and after shooing all the kiddos out the door on a massive valentine candy high.

My entry this week, of course, is Caden. I literally just teared up looking at this picture, thinking about my boy's special beautiful heart and the miracle of who he is. In case you're popping in from I Heart Faces and don't know the whole story, Caden was born with severe heart defects and had open heart surgery at 5 days old. The three weeks he spent in the cicu at Choa Egleston were the scariest and most beautiful ones I have ever faced. God met us, and encouraged and uplifted us, in incredible ways, even as we surrendered our son.

Thankfully, Caden is home with us and just had a fabulous check-up with the cardiologist - so what better day to celebrate his heart made whole!

As usual, head to I Heart Faces for more beautiful hearts this week! (I happen to know of several other wonderful "heart babies" whose pictures have been entered - be sure to leave them extra love!)

Good News from the Cardiologist (and more)

2012-02-10T17:24:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, we took Caden back to the cardiologist for the first time in six months. I was, admittedly, nervous. And the doctor didn't make it any better by telling us right off the bat that his murmur sounded quite harsh and he also now had a "thrill," meaning you could feel the murmur when you laid your hand over his heart. He said we needed to do an echo to find out more. Once they looked at the echo, however (which Caden handled like a champ), they said that his valve had a noisy murmur but that the function still looked good. And the left ventricle (the one they were worried about because it was thickened)? He said it looked "peppy" now! Hooray for Caden's peppy heart! The doctor said he thinks it will be a few years until Caden's next surgery, and that we don't have to go back to the cardiologist for 9 months. That means he will be over a year old before we see the cardiologist again - that is crazy! I left the appointment feeling so overwhelmed, once again, by the goodness of our God, and the gift of our son. Thanks so much for all your prayers! (sorry for the over-abundance of exclamation points. I feel this is exclamation-point-worthy-news)

It's still CHD awareness week, and I wanted to point y'all to some good stuff around the web that you guys can explore, read, share etc. And again, I wish I had more adequate words to thank each and every one of you for continuing to walk this journey and celebrate the Lord's faithfulness with us!

-Our Pinterest Board has nearly 200 stories on it right now. Warning: you might want to grab some kleenex as you shed tears over broken hearts, some of which have been healed, others who are still fighting, and some who lost their battle with CHD. THEY are why we must continue to fight for awareness and funding. These heart babies (and kids and grown-ups) and some of the bravest, most beautiful people I know.

-Visit my friend Stefanie's blog for some amazing stories and links and videos and more. I have shed quite a few tears reading her posts and hearing some more heart baby stories.

-Loved this.

My sweet fellow heart mom Tara shared some more information about pulse oximetry:

What can you do? Follow this link to view your state and the person in charge of advocacy for getting a bill passed. See how you can help. Secondly, if you are expecting, or know someone who is expecting, tell them to ASK FOR THE TEST when their child is born. In fact, there is a printable brochure you can find here, that you can bring to your doctor and talk to them about it.

It’s all about learning and being an educated advocate for your child! You can find more information on pulse oximetry on these websites:

http://pulseoxadvocacy.com/current-legislation/

http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/pediatricgenetics/cchdscreening.Html

Oh and here's the update from my 365 project. You'll notice one day is conspicuously missing. Oops.

(Some amazing people brought us some amazing goodies today. I am continually blown away by God's encouragement and provision for us. We are blessed by y'all!)

Cardiologists and CHD Awareness

2012-02-08T23:40:00.001-05:00

Caden has a cardiologist appointment tomorrow. It's his first one in four months (which is a good thing, because it means they believe he's doing well enough to go longer between appointments). But I'm feeling (unnecessarily) anxious about it. Like, the kind of anxious that's giving me butterflies in my stomach and making it impossible to sleep, despite how exhausted I am and how excited I was to be in bed before 11pm. I KNOW that it's most likely they will tell us he's doing great (after oohing and aahing over how cute he is of course). I mean, he smiles constantly, giggles at his sister, eats fine most of the time, hasn't had any signs of anything NOT being right with his heart. But I still feel that nagging fear, causing tension on the fringes of my days. There's such a sense of uncertainty for me about Caden's future. I know he needs more surgery at some point, I just don't know when. Or how I will know. Or what that will look like.

Maybe it's just the fact that he even needs a cardiologist. I mean, the second Adam walked into the hospital room and introduced me to the "cardiologist" I knew there was something very very wrong with our son. And after he was born, I held Caden, nursed him, loved on him, yet still had NO idea anything was wrong. So what if there's something wrong again, and I just don't know? All that to say, please be praying for us and for Caden tomorrow. I'm praying that he will astonish the doctors anew at just how well he's doing!

This train of thought, the uneasiness and anxiety, the "not knowing" have made me think a lot about the fact that I DIDN'T have a clue anything was wrong with Caden. It was a pulse oximetry screening that literally saved Caden's life. And for that reason, I am passionate about advocating for mandatory pulse ox for babies before they leave the hospital. In case you didn't read Caden's birth story, after hearing a murmur they checked his pulse ox, his was at an 89 - it has to be at least a 90 or else they send them to the NICU for further monitoring. I tremble to think what might have happened if they didn't do pulse oximetry at the hospital where Caden was born, or if the nurse had bent the rules just a little since his level was hovering anywhere from 89-93 . . . In fact, we had them track down that nurse so we could thank her for saving our baby's life. She prayed over Caden and grasped our hands tightly, reassured us, and lifted us up to the Lord. She saved us that day in more ways than she will ever know.

I read a post by Matt Hammitt (a fellow "heart parent," as well as a singer that I am apparently a little obsessed with) this morning. And his words have stayed with me all day:

I'm what we've come to call a “heart parent”, and from my family's wounds, faith has risen up in me. I want to make being Bowen's daddy count, and my guess is that if you are a fellow heart parent, you have that very same desire.

Imagine if we all rose up to claim the beauty of our struggle, found hope in what looks to be hopeless, believed like children, for our children, that a better world is coming. Think of what it would be like if we embraced what felt wrong as the birth of what will one day be made right. What if we found each other, walked, laughed and grieved together? Imagine if, together, we traded in all of our pain to claim an amazing purpose.

Beauty from ashes, joy for sorrow. And the promise of wholeness; if not now, than some day. Because when anxiety fills me and troubles my heart, I must rest fully in the promise that it will all one day be made right. And I trust completely (though not always easily) in the Truth of a good God who loves Caden and has a perfect plan for his life.

Congenital heart defects (CHDs) are more common than you might think, and nearly 1 in 100 babies are born with a CHD. I don't want to scare moms, especially new ones (there's already plenty that scares us as new moms right?) But I do hope and pray every single day that I might be a good steward of Caden's story. And if his story might help spread awareness and ultimately save lives, than I am honored to be even a small part of that.

I have also been so grateful for the opportunity to help fellow heart mom Ruth (and Stefanie) put together the Faces of CHD page on Pinterest. And, let me just tell you, I have sobbed with both grief and joy over each and every beautiful face on the board. There are nearly 200 stories and pictures that have been shared, and the range of stories, of defects, of outcomes . . . it's staggering. I would love for you guys to go read some of the stories, share, repin - and it's not too late if you still want to share your story too (just send me an email - Becca1612 at hotmail dot com)

*I'm going to try and post a little more throughout the week about CHD and will probably link to some other heart mom's stories and posts as well. They have all done a much better job than me at being on top of all this. Probably because I am so NOT on top of my life that there is currently 6.5 loads of clean, unfolded, and undoubtedly very wrinkly, clothes strewn across my house right now.

Dear Caden

2012-02-07T23:53:00.000-05:00

Dear sweet Caden,

I can scarcely believe it has been six months since you came into our lives. No one who has encountered you, or your story, are the same since that very first moment you entered our story. And I haven't stopped breathing in the blessing of who you are ever since. Whether it's stroking a tiny patch of forehead while your chest is open and wires stream from every limb, or cuddling you close to me in the wee hours of the morning, I am thankful for each moment. And that is a gift that I didn't always grasp with your sister. I love both of you so much, more than I thought possible. But God has used you already to teach me so much about myself, about you, about being a mom. About His goodness and about grace.

Your sweet grin lights up your whole face. Not a day goes by that doesn't include comments from strangers on how happy you are, how beautiful you are, and how perfect and soulful your eyes are. And I think it's because of where you've been. Because of all the obstacles you've already faced, and overcome, all the lives you've already touched.

Every day as I nurse you, give you a bottle, force-feed you peas (not that I blame you because peas? they're nasty), I pray over you. You've taught me so much about prayer. About communing with a Father who is there, present, even in the midst of the mundane, the every day. I pry my hands open on a daily basis as I remember what it means to surrender you. To surrender you today, tomorrow, and every day. Just as surely as I surrendered you on the day they cut open your chest. Because I am filled with certainty that you belong to a God who loves you more deeply and more recklessly than I ever could. A God who has big plans for your life, plans that have already blown me away with their beauty, terror, and hope.

And I know that your special heart, and every minute you spent in the hospital, has helped to shape you, even if you don't remember them. Because we gave you to the Lord. And anything that belongs to the Lord is precious, a treasure simply waiting to be unfurled. With you, every moment is special: a gift, a miracle, a joy. Even when you are fighting sleep endlessly, when you are crying, when you are jumping unruly in your exersaucer, or spitting out your peas.

You know, the truth is that your mom doesn't even really know how to handle such a treasure. I'm a girl. I have a daughter, and two sisters. No brothers. No other sons. Nothing to even begin to point me in the right direction. How do I raise a boy? How do I infuse you with knowledge of cars, and leadership, and rough-housing, things I know nothing about? I know that I will show you grace, live recklessly full of mercy and joy at all we've already overcome. And I will pray every day that you will watch your earthly father and seek your Heavenly Father.

I think to myself that perhaps I will sleep one day, maybe when you turn twelve. Because I have to believe you will turn twelve one day. And you might have had another heart surgery or two by then, but we will celebrate your twelfth birthday with fear and trembling at how close I am to having a teenage son. One who can eat his weight in hot dogs and cheese dip (some thing have to be inherited from me right?) and who can burp and smell and wear shoes that seem to big for your awkwardly adolescent self.

And on that day, my prayers will echo the ones I whisper as I gently graze your scar today. Prayers for a son who, above all else, loves and depends on Jesus. Who craves time with a Savior who saved His life, who healed His heart, and changed an entire community. I pray that even as you have suffered open-heart surgery, you will remain willing to rend your heart for the sake of those around you. That you will become a man whose heart breaks over injustice and whose bravery is unmatched. Who mends brokenness, and knit hearts together every single day.

I pray that you, my son, will one day lead just as you have always led. By example. By sharing your story and facing bravely all that lays in front of you. That people will be drawn to Jesus because of your beautiful heart. Because I have seen that heart. And I am as certain today as I was on that day that it is a unique heart. A heart that may be hurt by life, by defects, by sinfulness, by unforgiveness and anger, but a heart that always triumphs in goodness, in love, and in grace.

I look at your sweet, beautiful scar. And I pray no one will ever convince you it's anything less than perfect. An outward symbol of your victory. A glorious sign of the way you were hurt, and how you were healed. I pray you will never hide your hurt. That you will never be ashamed of the things that make you different, the scars that have shaped who you are. We have both been hurt, stretched, cut, wounded . . . and we are stronger.

This week is Congenital Heart Defect Awareness week. The statistics say you are 1 in 100. But, my sweet boy, I know you are more like one in a million. Which sounds cheesy, but I believe it is true. You were made exactly how you were supposed to be. And I couldn't be more grateful for who you are, where you've been, and who Christ is knitting you into each and every day.

Caden's Half-Birthday

2012-02-03T12:30:00.000-05:00

First of all, can anyone else seriously not believe Caden is 6 months old today?! I am in the process of writing Caden a letter for his 6 month birthday today. However, it is apparently involving many tears and I'm struggling to find the right words to express my heart for my sweet, beautiful, miracle. So I put together a slideshow, and then cried some more while I watched it. This slideshow, to this particular song, has been in my head and heart for a really long time. When we brought Caden home, I told Adam I wanted to have him dedicated and I was going to force our church to play a slideshow of his life using this song (our pastor, however, is a very large ex-wrestler and football player, so I'm not sure how effective the "forcing" would be).

Why? Because God has been faithful and steadfast, and we have not walked alone. Even through the darkest nights, we were never alone. And I pray that we will always be "breathing out His praise" each step of the way.

Thank you ALL for being a part of our sweet boy's journey.

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

January Photo Dump

2012-02-01T11:32:00.002-05:00

Because I'm doing a 366 project this year, I have been taking pictures every day. I only choose one picture each day to share/label etc . . . but most days I have more than one picture that I love. Mostly because my kids are so darn cute. Again, I'm completely unbiased in this opinion.

That said, I couldn't bear the thought of not sharing a few more pictures from this past month. And by a "few", I mean a "whole lot." Don't say I didn't warn you.

Sweet Potatoes (and entirely too many pictures)

2012-01-31T11:18:00.000-05:00

Caden has NOT been getting the hang of eating his rice cereal. At his 4 month check-up, they told us to start giving him a few bites each day to get him used to eating food and using a spoon. Lots of heart babies end up having feeding/eating problems, and I have been all stressed and worried because Caden just doesn't want anything to do with his rice cereal. He basically just lets it sit in his mouth and then grins at me and it all dribbles out. Cute, but not super effective for eating.

Finally, Adam convinced me to let him try sweet potatoes that he made using the Baby Bullet that Santa brought ~~Adam~~ Caden last year. I was skeptical, but it turns out that Caden totally loves sweet potatoes and eats them with much gusto. So apparently, he just doesn't particularly love rice cereal.

I'm also going to go ahead and apologize for the plethora of pictures. I went slightly overboard.

Just for fun, here's the picture of Jayci eating sweet potatoes for the first time. And here's the post I wrote with more pictures of our little drama queen.

Don't forget I'd love to share your heart baby's stories on the Pinterest board (email them to me any time!) And Ruth wrote a FAQ post to answer any and all your questions about what we're doing. CHD Awareness week is coming up soon!

What's Around the Corner

2012-01-30T12:42:00.002-05:00

In the early hours of the morning, the only light in our room squeezes through the bamboo blinds from the streetlight on the corner. I wearily finish nursing Caden, and mix up his bottle. The sound of his little gulps break the quiet. I snap out of my reverie and realize I have been daydreaming of Caden's first birthday party. Hearts are strewn everywhere in brilliant, happy colors. I come to the realization that somewhere in the past few weeks, I have turned a corner. And found myself staring into Caden's future with hope and anticipation. Where once I only saw a big question mark, and fears that were too terrible to name, I now begin to see hopes. Seeds of dreams for my son that I nourish with prayers and faith.

One foot in front of the other has been our journey for the past five and a half months. Grace for the day. Trust and dependence. But one foot in front of the other, as it turns out, still leads you SOMEWHERE. And I am pleasantly surprised by where I find myself today.

On New Years Eve, we were huddled around the fire pit, talking with the kiddos about their hopes and dreams for the new year (amidst gunshots peppering the night-quiet around us). And we went around the campfire, each of us sharing what we were most looking forward to in 2012. I said something sarcastic, like "Jayci not being 3 anymore" (because the tantrums and attitude, they are exhausting). But when we were laying in bed after ringing in the new year, I told Adam I thought that maybe what I was most looking forward to in 2012 was the possibility of beginning the adoption process. And I surprised myself with this ability to look ahead, to envision Caden turning a year old, and us continuing with our dreams of the family we felt like God was pointing us towards.

Suddenly everything that has happened with Caden was no longer all-encompassing. Huge? Yes. Scary and crazy? Definitely. Defining? For sure. But not everything. Not the end of his story, nor the end of ours.

Because from the beginning, Adam and I said that whether Caden lived one day or to be one hundred years old, we are better because of him. And we are. I have been astonished at the strength I found within myself. Caught off guard by my faith and trust, by an ability to do the unthinkable and push through the difficult.

And at sundown, when sun meets the horizon and with a Midas-touch turns all the world golden, so Caden has touched our lives from the first moment and transformed and enriched us completely. Bringing with him the gift of new morning, despite a dark night.

So even though I finally feel "unstuck," not constantly counting heartbeats or reliving the cicu, it doesn't take much to bring me back there. To flood my heart with fear and brim my eyes with tears. An ill-timed tv show, a scene from a book, words from an expectant mother, the smell of hospital soap, or a song on the radio. But that's ok, because I am NOT the same as I was. I am better. Stronger. Greater capacity for pain and fear, have carried with them greater capacity for compassion. For joy. I find myself able to enter into other's pain, particularly mothers, and walk hand-in-hand with them without having to turn away. And isn't that what Christ calls us to? Isn't that what He himself did?

As Caden finishes his bottle, I gingerly lay him in his bassinet. Gently, I lower myself back into bed, cringing as its creak breaks the early-morning hush, and Caden's small cries ensue. Desperately clutching for a few more moments of sleep before Jayci wakes up, I pick Caden back up and snuggle him in bed, pulling him into the crook of my arm and breathing in his sweet baby smell. His whole body is tense, fighting the lure back into sleep. I jiggle him and whisper in his ear until I feel him relax in my arms. His breathing evens and heart beats slowly, miraculously.

And I feel the Lord drawing me close. He whispers truth to me until I relax into His arms. Until I stop tensing against what He has for me, and rest in the shadow of His wings. And I have hope for the future. Caden's half-birthday is almost here, and I know that the Lord's great plans for his life are only beginning to unfold.

Links, Updates, and Pictures

2012-01-28T10:21:00.000-05:00

I hit a wall yesterday. And although I don't mean I literally ran into a wall, I certainly felt like it. Caden has been especially unwilling to sleep or be put down lately. And after nearly 6 months without a full nights sleep, lots of drama in the hood, and kiddos over a lot this week . . . I just crashed a little. Adam took the kiddos so I could sleep for like 2 hours yesterday morning. But it turns out that 2 hours doesn't make up for 6 months of sleep deprivation.

Anyways, I wanted to share a few links/reminders with you and catch up on my 366 project.

* First of all, I've been trying not to be annoying, and I figure most people who are going to vote already have, but there are still 2 weeks left to vote for me in the Glamour/Sally Hansen contest. The top 4 semi-finalists get a trip to NY and a makeover. Can I just tell you how badly I need both of those things? Oh and we would also get money for our ministry, which is even more exciting. SO if you have a minute, would you mind popping over and voting for me (I'm the very last picture)? Plus, Glamour donates $1 for each vote cast to DKMS, the world's largest bone marrow donor center whose mission is to recruit bone marrow donors to help save the lives of leukemia patients. Also, when you vote, you are entered to win a basket of Sally Hansen goodies. So fun.

* Secondly, I have the privilege of being a part of this special Pinterest challenge to raise awareness for CHD. I have been blown away by all the beautiful stories and gorgeous kiddos on the board. If you would still like to share your story, feel free to comment here or send me an email at Becca1612 at hotmail dot com. I spent some time today praying for each and every story posted, and it was such a blessing to me and a reminder that we are not alone in our journey as a "heart family."

* A quick update on the crazy-hood situation. Things have calmed down quite a bit, and several parents of kiddos were arrested, so please keep them in your prayers.

* Finally, here are the latest in my 366 project. I'm really enjoying taking pictures every day so far - it's the transferring and uploading part that's hard for me to stay on top of!

Fighting for them

2012-01-26T12:30:00.002-05:00

Two nights ago, Adam made a run to the grocery store because we needed some essentials. Like formula, ice cream and sour patch kids. Our fall from the sugar-free wagon is fodder for an entirely different post. Unfortunately, Adam neglected to bring along his wallet, and he ended up running home to get it and then heading back to the store (we really needed the formula). When he stopped in at home, I told him I had heard a single gun-shot that sounded really close by. Like made-me-jump-and-woke-Caden-up close by. Fifteen minutes later, he burst in the door, quickly measuring and shaking up a bottle to soothe Caden's insistent cries while informing me there was a huge fight behind our house (like half a block over). There were probably 30 people with baseball bats and 2x4s, and a glass bottle was thrown, almost hitting his car as he tried to inconspicuously inch the 4runner through the brawl. He called the cops, who were already informed and on their way, and then went back out to make sure all the kiddos were ok, because the fight involved several households of kids we are especially close to.

As he hurried out the door, I urged him to be careful and then clasped Caden closer to my chest and tiptoed down the hall to peek in on Jayci. I gingerly opened the door, watching light spill across her face. She sleeps hard, emphatically sideways on the bed, her pink sock monkey clutched in her arms. I wince as I step on small toys and knock over a stack of books, bending to kiss her forehead. And my heart clenches as I think of the kiddos just a few doors down.

Earlier that day, one of the littlest boys knocked happily on the door during "older kids" hours. I opened it, and bent to hug him hello. His too-large sweater vest was inside-out and backwards. I smiled at him and scrunched my nose, anticipating his angst, when I gently reminded him that the elementary-school kids were to come over earlier, so we could do crafts and play Candyland and help with homework. Now the older kids were playing a loud and rowdy game of "presidents," while we tried desperately to remind them to play in turn. Tears immediately streamed down his cheeks while he pleaded and sobbed that he just didn't know. He was inconsolable, so naturally I caved, and invited him in for "just a few minutes." He quickly joined Jayci at her train track and happily accepted hot chocolate topped with two giant marshmallows.

I wondered what he was doing now. Was he peeking through his blinds that always hung askew, watching his family members swing baseball bats? Did he hear glass shattering as bricks were thrown through windows? Did he watch the cops pull up, wondering who they would put in the back this time? Because, rest assured, he was learning something from the fight, as surely as Jayci learns something when we offer her a time-out for talking back.

As I settle back onto the couch in the quiet and safety of our beautiful home, I feed Caden his bottle and whisper prayers for the kiddos. I wonder who will fight FOR them as fighting breaks out all around them. Who will rescue them from cycles, from habits they can't help but pick up, from using their fists (or baseball bats) to solve problems. And I am reminded of Exodus 14:14. Reminded of the days when Caden lay in the hospital, and I was helpless to rescue him.

And as surely as the Lord was fighting for Caden, I know He is also fighting for our kiddos. Through my tears, I hear Him whisper that He has sent US to fight for them. That we will show them grace. We will forgive them again and again and again until they start to wonder why we aren't picking up baseball bats, but offering hugs instead.

Adam reminded me the other day that God doesn't always rescue us from our circumstances. We can't take every child into our home and offer them a peaceful place to live. We can't always stop fights from breaking out, or guns from firing. Sometimes our babies are born with broken hearts, and sometimes our kiddos are born into broken homes. And we don't know WHY. But we do know that God doesn't leave a single one of us to face the brokenness alone. He promises to go with us, to be near to the brokenhearted, to answer our cries with peace that passes understanding.

His tangible nearness is the only way I don't tremble with fear, at the violence so nearby, at the future our kiddos inevitably face, and at the heart which seems so fragile in my son's beautiful chest. And we will walk with boldness and courage the paths He has set out for us, because our Caden, and our kiddos are worth fighting for.

"The LORD Himself will fight for you; you need only to be still.” -Exodus 14:!4

The Faces of CHD: Pinterest Awareness Challenge

2012-01-25T14:53:00.002-05:00

When Caden was born, I knew little to nothing about congenital heart defects. After his birth, diagnosis and surgery, I was blown away by the number of people who contacted me and said they, too, had a son or daughter with a chd. One of those people was my new friend Ruth from A Trip to Holland. She has put together something cool for Congenital Heart Awareness week, coming up February 7-12, and I'm excited to be a part of it. Her story, and how you can help is below . . . You can send your stories & pictures to me at Becca1612 at hotmail dot com if you want to participate. I'm looking forward to hearing all your stories and meeting your special heart babies (or kids or adults!)

As many of you know, I am the mother of two little girls born with congenital heart defects, known here as Superkid and Lily. I'm also an avid Pinterest pinner--I love collecting ideas and inspiration via Pinterest.Those two elements of my life had absolutely nothing in common...until today! With your help, I'd like to help promote awareness of and advocacy for children (and adults) with congenital heart defects by founding a Pinterest board devoted to sharing the stories of families affect by the #1 Birth Defect. The board is titled, "The Faces of CHD - Congenital Heart Awareness Week Feb 7-12, 2012."

Pinterest is a virtual bulletin board, where people can "pin" pictures with captions to be viewed and shared by others. Because pinned items can be viewed by thousands of people, pinning pictures and brief stories about your experiences with CHD will bring awareness to many people who might not otherwise have an opportunity to personally meet anyone with a congenital heart defect.If we start pinning now, we'll have a thriving board by CHD Awareness Week, Feb. 7-12, 2012.If you already have a Pinterest account, you can find The Faces of CHD board here. If you would like an invitation to join Pinterest (it's free!), please email me: triptoholland {at} gmail {dot} com.For those of you who have been affected by congenital heart defects, here is how you can participate, with or without a Pinterest account.

Create a blog post that tells about your experiences with CHD. (Or you are free to use one that you already published.) Please make sure there is a picture of the heart child/adult in the post. Please link to the CHD Pinterest board in your post. (http://pinterest.com/ruth_h/the-faces-of-chd-congenital-heart-awareness-week-f/)
Send me a link to that post, either in the comments below or in an email (Becca1612{at} gmail {dot} com). Please include a brief (10 sentences or less) description of your experiences with CHD when you do. Make sure that description includes the heart warrior's name, age, and heart diagnosis. You could also include number of surgeries, favorite hospital, etc. As the founder of this board, I reserve the right to edit your description if necessary.
I will add one of the pictures from your post and your description to The Faces of CHD board. Pinterest members will be able to click on the picture and be directly linked to your blog post to learn more about living with CHD.
If you do not have a blog, but would like to be included on The Faces of CHD board, please email me and I'll provide an alternate means for you to participate. (Becca1612 {at} gmail {dot} com.
Feel free to grab a button below to add to your blog, so that your blog readers will learn about our awareness challenge and be able to participate.

If you do not have an experience of your own to share, please show your support for those of us who do by pinning this post, viewing the Faces of CHD board, and repinning the stories you find there that touch your heart.

Thank you in advance for your support!

By the Book

2012-01-23T22:23:00.003-05:00

It has been a really long time since I entered an I Heart Faces photo contest, but I thought I'd jump in today because I happened to have a picture from my 366 project (that I didn't end up using) of my little princess reading at her nana and poppop's house the other day. I realize it's not perfect, but it's unposed, and I love that she's wearing the ever-present princess costume while "reading" a book by her own choosing. I'm a bookworm myself, so I can only hope Jayci will always love reading as much as I do!

For more book pictures, be sure to stop by I Heart Faces.
*ps - did I mention that I Heart Faces showcased my little gallery wall the other day? It totally made my ~~day~~ week.

Pictures, Links, Books Etc

2012-01-18T12:32:00.001-05:00

I am currently nursing Caden and eating a sandwich while pecking away at my computer with one finger. That said, I just dont have a beautiful post in me today. I do have some things I'd love to share, but at this rate it would take me about 3 hours to type it. So today, you get a quick list, and some more pictures from my 366 project . . .

So far this year, I've read 4 books, and thoroughly enjoyed all 4. My sweet friend Kathryn lent me My Name is Ashler Lev and Cry, the Beloved Country. They were both beautiful. I also read Divergent and The Glass Castle. I would recommend all 4 books, although Divergent was probably my least favorite - I felt like it was so much like The Hunger Games, except not nearly as good. Speaking of the Hunger Games, I don't think I've been this excited for a movie in a long time. Loved, loved, loved the books. If you haven't read them, you definitely should. Definitely.

Speaking of reading, I wanted to share some of my favorite blog posts that I've stumbled onto recently. They are all worth your time. And the one from Big Mama makes me giggle just thinking about it.

A harvest of what is yet to come (Katie Davis for (in)courage)
On Gifts and Talents (Momastery)
There's a Sirious lack of communication (Big Mama)
How to talk to kids about race and racism (Rage Against the Minivan)

And finally, here are the latest from my 366 project. Previously, I called it a 365 project, but then I realized that 2012 is a leap year.

Divine Dissatisfaction

2012-01-16T15:25:00.002-05:00

"So, I conclude by saying again today that we have a task and let us go out with a "divine dissatisfaction." Let us be dissatisfied until America will no longer have a high blood pressure of creeds and an anemia of deeds.

Let us be dissatisfied until the tragic walls that separate the outer city of wealth and comfort and the inner city of poverty and despair shall be crushed by the battering rams of the forces of justice. [,et us be dissatisfied until those that live on the outskirts of hope are brought into the metropolis of daily security.

Let us be dissatisfied until slums are cast into the junk heaps of history, and every family is living in a decent sanitary home. Let us be dissatisfied until the dark yesterdays of segregated schools will be transformed into bright tomorrows of quality, integrated education.

Let us be dissatisfied until integration is not seen as a problem but as an opportunity to participate in the beauty of diversity.

Let us be dissatisfied until men and women, however black they may be, will be judged on the basis of the content of their character and not on the basis of the color of their skin. Let us be dissatisfied.

Let us be dissatisfied until every state capitol houses a governor who will do justly, who will love mercy and who will walk humbly with his God.

Let us be dissatisfied until from every city hall, justice will roll down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

Let us be dissatisfied until that day when the lion and the lamb shall lie down together and every man will sit under his own vine and fig tree and none shall be afraid. Let us be dissatisfied. And men will recognize that out of one blood God made all men to dwell upon the face of the earth."

-- Martin Luther King Jr., Southern Christian Leadership Conference, Georgia 1967.

Our house this year

2012-01-13T14:03:00.003-05:00

Y'all know that for virtually the entirety of 2011, we were homeless. Ok that's not true, we HAD a house but it wasn't liveable and Adam, along with his dad, was busily busting it up and rebuilding it so we could live in the former crack-house. We lived with family and friends for a year. And it was beautiful and hard and lovely and terrible all at once. But 2012 brings with it some fresh starts in our new house. Granted, we've been here for a good 5 months now, but things with Caden kept us from finishing all the things we left unfinished before moving in. And we are just beginning to have the ability to move forward with finishing those things. Maybe.

I wrote a nice list on our chalkboard message center of our house goals for the year, in hopes that Adam might read them and get to work on them. Oh I kid, I just liked crossing off "gallery wall in Jayci's room." Unfortunately, one or more of the kiddos discovered the chalkboard and here's what our list looks like now. Lovely, but not exactly helpful in the house goals arena.

So I've decided to document our goals here. Again, in hopes that Adam will read it and finish stuff for me, while I sip hot chocolate and eat sour patch kids (now that sugar is BACK baby! Only in moderation now, of course. ha).

I will also say that I have absolutely no illusions of creating a perfect home. We are messy people, and we like to live in our home. Plus it's usually full of rambunctious children. But I do, however, enjoy creating a beautiful space, and hope that it helps the kiddos see what a "home" can look like. Without further ado (finally, geez), here are our 2012 home goals:

1- Finish our master bathroom vanity. This one is squarely on Adam and his dad, so I'm trying not to be impatient. But they're using these plans if you're interested.

2- Paint chalkboard wall in Jayci's room. Then add bedskirts and window shades and call it finished. Oh and hang the cute mobile I'm determined to make.

3 - Hang a door on our linen closet. It's currently door-less, and messy. And I firmly believe it is contributing strongly to the generally cluttered feeling of our home.

4 - Figure out a solution to the COATS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND SHOES TOO issue. Some sort of entry-way-hanging-things (hooks, coat rack etc).

5 - Office/organize/workspace. Both Adam and I both work from home. Unfortunately, as of right now we don't have an extra room to use as an office. So I need to figure out a solution for this problem as well. Because it's disastrously unorganized currently.

6 - We desperately, DESPERATELY need a BIG dining table and more chairs. Two of our 4 dining chairs broke, leaving us with 2 nice chairs at our small pedestal table. We also have two folding bamboo chairs, which are broken on the bottoms, but bring our chair count to 5. Did I mention that we have 4 adults and 2 kids living in our household currently? Plus many many kiddos who would like to sit around our tiny table and play games? So we need to solve this issue asap.

7 - We need more seating in our living room. Again with the too-few-seats-for-too-many-people thing.

8 - Get rid of this armoire in our master bedroom (it's beautiful, but too big and we NEVER use it for the tv inside. on that note, if you're interested in buying it - shoot me an email!) Get another dresser instead, and build or make something to store/hang/display my jewelry so I might actually wear it. (I was too lazy to go close that drawer when I was taking pictures) . . .

9 - Hang our barn door. This will allow us to close off our bedroom, bathroom, and Jayci's room from the rest of the house and hopefully give us a little more breathing room with a space of our own that is kiddo-less.

10 - I feel as though there are more goals but this is getting ridiculous. How do we have so much to do still?! But don't worry, we are totally still completely enjoying our house in the meantime and not stressing at all over what's undone. And that's all that really matters, right?

We also have some pretty major outside goals for our house (which I mentioned involve chickens and vegetable gardens) . . . but I'll save those for another day.

Also, thanks again for all your votes for the Glamour/Sally Hansen Best of You contest. I have no idea if I'm in first or last place as of now . . . but voting continues until February 13th, so I really appreciate y'all spreading the word!

The first 12 days of 2012

2012-01-12T11:46:00.001-05:00

First of all, thank-you so ridiculously much for your amazing support and for voting for me, tweeting, and sharing on facebook to vote for me for the Glamour contest. I was moved to tears by y'all. I feel like I already won because you guys are just so sweet and encouraging. Thank you. Seriously.

Voting is still open until February 13th, and you can only vote once. So if you wouldn't mind continuing to spread the word, I'd be oh-so-grateful.

Secondly, I have decided, belatedly, to try and do a 365 project this year. Let's just go ahead and admit, however, that odds are good I wont necessarily remember or have the gumption to upload pictures every single day, so we will see how it turns out. But for now, here are the first 12 days of the new year in pictures.

(I was totally inspired by this blog, and also totally obsessed with her wardrobe . . . )

Because I am oh-so Glamorous

2012-01-10T10:06:00.001-05:00

While Caden was in the hospital, a sweet friend of my mom's emailed and told us she had nominated me for a contest with Glamour magazine. I didn't think anything of it because 1- I was a little distracted by Caden's surgery and recovery and 2- I can't remember the last time I got dressed up enough to be considered glamorous. My life, in fact, is the opposite of glamorous.

A few weeks ago, however, I got an email from someone at Glamour magazine saying they had selected me as a semifinalist for the Sally-Hansen/Glamour "Best of You" contest. According to the website: "For the past 12 years, Glamour and Sally Hansen have joined forces to honor the most inspirational women from coast to coast."

Wow. Y'all, I feel so honored even to be considered as a semi-finalist, and also so undeserving. I'm just a mom, albeit with a baby who had some special needs. But so so so many of you guys have babies or children who have been sick, spent time in the hospital, or even had open heart surgery. I know because you emailed and wrote and encouraged me with your own stories while Caden was in the hospital. And each of you helped inspire my strength through that.

The work we are doing with kids in Atlanta can be messy and hard, and exhausting, but someone needs to be doing it. Because these kids deserve someone who isn't going to give up on them, who loves them unconditionally, and expects great things from them. . . And for us, what we do doesn't seem amazing or inspiring. Just necessary. Because we have been given so much, and are loved so well by our Savior. There is nothing to do but to pass that love and blessing along to the "least of these."

So we are just ordinary and I am definitely not glamorous. In fact, I am writing this with one hand while I bounce Caden and try to keep him sleeping for more than 15 minutes. And I think I showered yesterday, but I can't be sure. And I'm still in my pajamas and probably will remain that way until I have to pick Jayci up from school.

I hate asking y'all to vote for me, but I'd really like to win, as it turns out. The top 4 semi-finalists get a trip to NY and a makeover. Can I just tell you how badly I need both of those things (remember the whole not-showering-thing)? Oh and we would also get money for our ministry, which is even more exciting. SO if you have a minute, would you mind popping over and voting for me? Plus, Glamour donates $1 for each vote cast to DKMS, the world's largest bone marrow donor center whose mission is to recruit bone marrow donors to help save the lives of leukemia patients. Also, when you vote, you are entered to win a basket of Sally Hansen goodies. So fun.

And if you wanted to tell other people to vote too, I wouldn't be opposed. Thanks so much friends! Adam and I were just talking the other day about how I have the BEST blog readers . . . y'all have been and continue to be such a continual source of inspiration and encouragement for us!

Ventilator

2012-01-08T16:52:00.000-05:00

I was watching Grey's Anatomy tonight. And yes, I realize that it's time to stop watching that show, but I blame Adam because he's the one who has been watching since the beginning and forced me to start watching again. Seriously.

Anyways, at one point during this week's very dramatic episode, the daughter is looking at her dad hooked up to machines and asks "what's making that noise?" and they tell her "that's the ventilator."

At the word "ventilator" I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. My cheeks were wet with tears, and I couldn't stop picturing this tiny little baby from when Caden was in the hospital. While they were preparing us for Caden's surgery, the doctors informed us there was the possibility of Caden's chest being left open after surgery because of swelling. To help us prepare for what it might look like, they told us that we could see another baby with her chest open post-surgery. Hesitantly, we agreed.

We were sitting quietly by Caden's side one evening in the cicu when the nurse came by and whispered to us that they had a baby with her chest open for us to take a look at. Adam and I slowly followed the nurse, our hands grasped tightly, fingers knotted together, breath caught in my throat, and heart beating wildly. We left Caden's side and cautiously approached another bed space. It held a tiny baby girl, skin puffy and orange with betadine, her chest wide open, and her body shaking from an oscillating ventilator.

In that moment, my small reserves of strength shattered. That baby girl belonged to someone, just as surely as Caden belonged to us. And in the next few days, I might see my own baby looking just as swollen and helpless, and I just have no idea how this could be helpful, I sobbed into Adam's shoulder. They assured us that Caden would be on a different ventilator, and wouldn't be shaking the way this baby was. But now every time I think of a ventilator, all I can see is that baby and all I can feel is that moment.

After Caden's surgery, his chest was left open. One night, our nurse approached us to ask if they could bring a couple by to see him. Their own son was having open heart surgery the next day, and they were trying to prepare them for what he might look like post-surgery. We agreed, and gripped hands tightly again as the couple approached. I saw the same shock, fear, and uncertainty mirrored in their eyes that I knew shimmered in my own.

Thinking back tonight on those terrible moments, I realize what a cycle it was. Probably another family had to reluctantly shuffle over to see that couple's son after they came to see Caden . . and I am struck, yet again, at just how broken this world is. Full of suffering and pain and hurt and death.

And I spend most of my life coasting along, certain that nothing like that would ever happen to me. Never even considering the possibility of my child being sick. And then something does happen, and ever-after I'm convinced that everything will go wrong, every single time. Somehow I live balanced precariously between twin precipices of arrogance and fear, clinging desperately to grace to keep from falling into darkness. Finally, I get my footing, gripping tightly to grace and learning to Trust that yes, sometimes bad things can and will happen. But living in fear of what's ahead is not freedom. And Christ declares freedom, and gives assurance of a hope beyond this broken world.

I still see her little swollen face sometimes. It is forever etched in my memory, and even though I don't know who she belonged to or if she is home with her parents or home in heaven, that little girl in the cicu brought me to my knees before my Savior. And it turns out that there is no better place to be. So when I fumble through motherhood, when I stumble yet again and raise my voice to my daughter and the kid who knocked on our door for the 100th time today, I remind myself of her fragility. Of life's pain and beauty. Of it's uncertainty. And I ask for grace, pray for it while gripping Jayci close and drying her tears.

And with my pleas, I feel His breath fill me. Just as surely as Caden's lungs filled with air from the ventilator, His breath brings me life. And so I can rest, and strengthen my heart for everything that lies ahead.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28

All I can think about is Sour Patch Kids

2012-01-06T14:08:00.000-05:00

A random list, because that is about all my brain is capable of today. . .

1. I was just telling Adam this morning that I literally have nothing to write about because I cant think about anything except how much I want sour patch kids. Probably because my body is wondering what happened to all the lovely chemicals and vast amounts of sugar I used to consume . . . So far we haven't had any sugar (or anything white or processed) for 6 days. And I also haven't had diet coke since 2011 (that sounds so much more impressive than just 6 days right?) We are basically doing the paleo diet, although after the 2 weeks we will probably add back in some whole grains and legumes (which are not a part of the paleo diet). Adam has made some delicious paleo recipes from here if you're interested. I especially highly recommend these bacon-wrapped sweet potato fries. They were literally one of the best things I've ever eaten. We were having a hard time resisting the sugar that day, and we decided to go all out and melt cheese on top too. Umm, hello delicious.

2. Several of y'all have asked me about the necklace pictured in this post. It was a gift from some sweet friends, one of whom I've only met through this blog. Seriously, you new blog friends are such a gift to me. For realz. Anyways, Adam tracked down where they got it for you, and here it is if you're interested. I love it and wear it almost every day.

3. We have also been working on setting some house-related goals for the new year. Because we sort of renovated-moved in-had Caden-spent 3 weeks in the hospital-dove into ministry, and inevitably left a whole lot undone . . . I'll put together an entire post describing those soon (hopefully), but just know that they involve chickens. Yup, Adam is currently planning our vegetable garden and chicken coop. Let me just tell you also that I only agreed to chickens warily, on the agreement that I wouldn't have to go anywhere near them. Because birds scare me. The other day, Jayci and I were in a parking lot with a large number of pigeons and Jayci said, "mommy, look at all those birds. . . do they make you a little nervous?" Yes Jayci, yes they do.

We did finally get a new rug with Christmas money. And Jayci informs everyone about the new "no food or drinks on the new rug" policy. Because our last rug had many a stain from coffee, milk, yogurt, spit-up, dog mess . . . you name it, it was on there. Now I feel like we can finally invite friends over without being ashamed if they sit on the nasty rug. We got the rug from RugsUSA and I was totally pleased with everything from the price to shipping to how it looks and feels.

I also threw up a gallery wall in Jayci's room yesterday. I've been wanting to hang pictures in there and was waiting and waiting for Adam to have time to do it when finally I just decided to do it myself. I did nothing you should do when creating a gallery wall. I basically just started hanging with the middle-bottom picture and built around it. I measured nothing and did it all by eye with no pre-planning (welcome to my life), so luckily I'm happy with how it turned out. I wanted to leave room to grow also because I love pictures and art and I am totally happy with completely covering this wall at some point. I'm determined to get Jayci and Caden's room finished in the next few weeks so hopefully I can do a full reveal soon.

(oh and that's "Katie," Jayci's male fish who she named herself in the bottom corner, which is Adam's addition to the gallery wall.)

4. Caden rolled over this morning for the first time. I feel like every milestone is such a celebration with him, I was so proud of my strong little man. I tried to get him to do it again so I could video it for y'all, but he wasn't having it. I'm sharing the video anyways because he is just too cute trying his hardest, and drooling too. Also, he TOTALLY has old-man-hair. He's got a sweet receding hairline (and an awesome bald spot in the back) plus these random long straggly hairs all over that show up nicely in this video. I, personally, think it's cute . . .

5. Jayci loves playing with cars and trains, which I think makes Adam's heart happy. He has been telling me a lot lately how he is in trouble because Jayci just has him so wrapped around his finger. I love that.

Vague goals for the new year

2012-01-03T16:42:00.001-05:00

I believe in new beginnings and fresh starts. So I make resolutions every year, even though they're really more like "vague goals" and I usually don't accomplish them. But that's ok because it only makes me more thankful for grace. Right?

This year of in-betweens is going to be somewhat of a fresh start for us. We're finally settled (a little) into a (no-routine-at-all) routine which involves large amounts of chaos. But now it's the chaos we signed up for when we decided to become inner-city missionaries, so to speak.

To make this year one of celebrating and recognizing every single choice we make as important and even holy, we've set a few goals for ourselves. Beginning with (what else?) losing that last little bit of baby weight. You see, I very quickly lost all my baby weight with Caden. Like a few weeks quickly. But I have spent the last two months putting at least ten pounds back on, and I know it's a result of my food choices. I went from stress because Caden was in the hospital that made me not care about food or want to eat at all ever, to stress because he was home and our lives are crazy and Jayci is three which is way worse than two. And apparently that particular brand of stress makes me eat. A lot.

So Adam and I decided we had a serious sugar problem. Like every night we said "we need something delicious." And we would. Milkshakes, sour patch kids, cookies, cakes . . . you name it, we ate it. Starting January 1st, we made the commitment to cut out ALL sugar for two weeks. This means we cannot add sugar to anything or eat anything with any sugar added already(we're still eating fruit). Can I tell you that I have regretted this decision at least four hundred or so times in the last few days? All I want is a nice big coffee with yummy flavored creamer and whipped cream on top. Or maybe a delicious chickfila milkshake. Or at least some sour patch watermelons.

Today, Adam made hot chocolate with marshmallows on top for all the kiddos who were over playing cards. Because he is apparently a glutton for punishment. But don't worry, he made us some sort of juice concoction that involved carrots and spinach. Totally just as good. Or not.

I am also determined that this year we will work on getting Jayci's behavior under control. Now I'm not saying we're going to be a whole lot stricter or take any drastic measures or anything, we just need to be consistent. Because Adam and I are good at grace and not so good at follow-through. So consistency with our boundaries and discipline is the name of the game for us this year. And also we need to somehow get Caden to sleep. Because currently he will only sleep for 15 minutes at a time in our arms. The minute we put him down (and yes we've tried putting him to bed awake) his little eyes pop open and he either cries or grins at us until we give in and pick him up. And I realize that, right there, is our problem (we always give in) but I'm just not comfortable letting him cry it out (not that we did that with Jayci anyways for more than a few minutes at a time) . . . Maybe I'm just destined to have children that won't sleep. Or maybe I'm doing something wrong. I can't think straight at this point (I blame the 2 children that won't sleep).

Another vague goal I've set for this year is "read more." I LOVE reading and it's one thing that gets pushed aside in the craziness that is our lives. But I think maybe taking a little time for myself and reading a good book for a little while every day or every few days might be good for my soul.

And speaking of good for the soul, I'm also determined to spend more time with Jesus. When Caden was in the hospital, I could barely go a few hours without opening my Bible. I read verses over Caden, prayed verses for our family and other families facing sick children in the hospital, prayed a LOT and cried and worshiped often . . . But since we've been home that same stress that has led me to eat lots of sweet food has managed to distract me from the sweetest food of all. The living Bread that satisfies those deepest hungers. So I'm telling y'all, and you can hold me accountable. I will spend time with Jesus, because I cannot do this without Him. Cannot, in fact, do anything without Him. And unfortunately that is easier to remember when things are desperate. However, it is no less true every single day.

Did y'all write resolutions this year? Any suggestions for me on any of my vague goals? (Besides writing more concrete goals with numbers and such . . . that's probably not going to happen). I'm praying for each of you that you will know what a blessing you have been to our family in 2011, and I'm so excited to see where God takes all of us in 2012!

Defining Moments

2011-12-30T15:15:00.000-05:00

"Kind of defines you, doesn’t it? You know like, one moment you’re gliding along… the next moment you’re standing in the rain watching your life fall apart." - Hitch

We have had Zack and Sabo staying at our house the last couple days since they're out of school for Christmas break. Desperate to watch something other than Waterboy (which is always, always their movie selection when given the choice), we suggested Hitch. There's one scene where Sara tells Hitch about her past, when she saved her little sister from almost drowning. She says that she doesnt think she ever got over it. And he agrees that those moments define you.

At her words, I felt an immediate rush of relief. A kinship in feeling changed by the past, even mired in it sometimes (nevermind that they are fictional characters). Captive by the fear of what might have been, what could have happened, how close we came to losing him. And I know that those moments defined me. They changed the person I am today, while I sat at his bedside. When they answered my question of "will we lose him?" with an "I don't know."

Last January, we declared 2011 "the year of new beginnings," and it has certainly been that. One of those years where life's pendulum has swung wide, and big changes have shaped all of us. We have been defined by a new home. By a new ministry, a new baby, a new family landscape, a hospital stay . . .

And undoubtedly those big moments DO define us. I can look back at my 27 years of life and point at those snapshots of my life I would declare "defining." Adam and I at the altar. Grasping hands as they laid Jayci on my chest, and I gained the role of mother. Showing up at camp for the first time. Tentatively inviting Sabo and Zack out for lunch. Deciding to quit our jobs to do ministry. Caden's birth, and when the cardiologist walked into my hospital room with the news. Seeing Caden's sweet eyes open for the first time while his heart beat new. Bringing Caden home.

Yes, those moments have shaped me. But I am also defined by the in-between. Quiet moments, chaotic ones, boring ones. When I fold yet another load of laundry, or wake up at 3am and again at 4, 5, and 6 to nurse an-almost five month old who still lives on a newborn schedule. When I cry a little in the shower as water drenches my head, and these are the only quiet minutes without someone asking "why mommy?" or knocking on the door and interrupting naps for a glass of water and a safe place to color.

Today was one of those mornings when I felt a hopeless ache in my spirit. Like I might never sleep again, or have space to breathe again. Like I was doing something wrong, because both of my children refuse to be put down for naps or to sleep through the night. Like I'm the only mother on the planet who can't handle two kids on her own when her husband has to work outside of the house all day. Embarrassed at how triumphant I feel just to get Jayci some broccoli and spaghetti for dinner without Adam around to help me. Weary as I lay in my bed finally snuggled with Caden because his eyes pop open and he wails each time I lay him in his own bed. And then I hear bikes clattering through the front gate and footsteps and shouts and I brace myself for the knock and barking. Because even though we have rules, even when I scribble a desperate note begging kids who cant read not to knock right now, the knocks still come.

The truth is that I'm ok with being defined by the big moments, the ones when I am able to rise to the occasion. Because he is my son, and what else will I do but trust in the Father's goodness? But I'm not always defined as beautifully by the moments when I'm answering Jayci's "why" 800 times a day. Watching episodes of White Collar instead of praying with Adam before bed. Deciding how I spend my money. Folding the sixth load of laundry this week. Ignoring the knock at our door for the fifth time this morning because Adam took the kids to give me a little quiet time. And I'm staying snuggled here, writing and reading, until I recognize anew that every single moment is a reflection of His grace.

So if 2011 has been the year of new beginnings, I am determined that 2012 will be the year of celebrating in-betweens. I will learn to embrace the everyday moments and somehow accept that my inadequacies in their midst point me to Jesus just as surely as they did when Caden was in the hospital. To recognize that my role as mother is a holy one. That who I am is a product of each little choice I make.

In 2012 I will grasp hold of the joy set before me. I will see through the haze just how dependent I am on a Father who is holding me close and wrapping me in His great grace. I will grab peace and cast my cares on him. And this year, I wont just do it when I'm mired in the hard times. No, I will thank Him for those hard times, but I will draw near to Him at ALL times.

I am a better person because of 2011. My own heart has been molded by our experiences with Caden's heart. I am attuned to motherhood and the loss and hardships that so many mothers have experienced, which somehow I have never noticed before this year. I am grateful for all we have been through this year and who we are on the other end. And I am praying for us that this year will be another year of growth and change, and of walking closely with a Father who loves us deeply.

"Standing in an imperfect place is just the perfect place to begin, and everyday offers the hope of Day 1." - Ann Voskamp

Christmas 2011

2011-12-29T21:19:00.000-05:00

So I wrote this entire post and then realized I had titled it "Christmas 2010" . . .oops, I guess I'm a little stuck in the past! I'm going to be a mess when it changes to 2012 in a few days. Side note: how did 2011 go by so fast? Crazy.

This may have been our most fun Christmas ever. Ok scratch that, it most definitely was. Having a three year old and a sweet-miracle-baby at home made thing even more special than ever. We absolutely loved putting out "santa" presents and Adam was excited that Santa brought Caden a baby bullet. Even though Caden cant eat baby food yet . . . one day he will enjoy his gift.

I will also say, however, that this year's Christmas was straight-exhausting. Seriously. Adam and I got home after 3 Christmas celebrations (one at home, one at my parents, and one at his parents) and crashed. We may have been in bed before nine. Cause we're cool like that. Next year we're going to have to figure out something less exhausting. Especially because both kiddos were somewhat melting down at the end as a result of all the festivities.

After hurrying around and opening gifts and celebrating lots of family time family (which is wonderful and fun and important . . . ), it's nice to be reminded of the real reason we celebrate. . . I cannot express what a joyful and beautiful time this Christmas Eve campfire was, and I loved hearing Dedric recite the Christmas story from Luke. It was like our very own Charlie Brown Christmas moment.

Delivering goodies . . .

2011-12-27T21:04:00.000-05:00

The days leading up to Christmas were full of fun, as we delivered various and sundry goodies all over Atlanta. We started by delivering our baskets to the CICU at Choa. It was such a treat to get to spread a little bit of joy to a place where we spent the hardest days of our lives. Everyone was blown away by how much we were able to give, and we were quick to tell them it was only because of all of YOU. Seriously, they wanted to put our name on the baskets and on the bag of gift cards for the nurses, and we made them put "Caden's friends and fans" (or something) on the label, because they were NOT just from us in the least. It was especially wonderful for us to be able to tell the families that the baskets were the result of suggestions and contributions from SO many heart families who had spent time in the CICU. We were glad to be able to remind those sitting at the bedsides of their loved ones that they were not alone. That others had walked before them and many were walking alongside them and covering them in prayer. So thank you all a million times over for your kindness and generosity, and for making it possible for us to honor Caden's journey this way. It was a privilege and joy for us.

Each basket was full of goodies - including parking passes, a $25 gas card, $25 worth of restaurant gift certificates, the Matt Hammitt cd, plus wonderful coupons and such from Chickfila, journals and pens, notes from us and other heart families, lotion, homemade treats, water bottles, gum, tissues, prayer blankets, homemade burp clothes and more. The whole Phi Mu chapter at Georgia Tech put together a fantastic basket, as did several friends and even a few brand new blog friends who I haven't had the privilege of meeting yet. I was BLOWN AWAY. For realz. And I'm hoping and praying that each basket (which was prayed over specifically) ministers to a family this holiday season and touches their hearts in a special way. We also gave 50 Starbucks gift cards for nurses and staff, and were able to give special gifts to the social workers and doctors too. Again, I cannot overstate what a JOY and privilege this was. And we've already had lots of people say they want to help next year. I love when God surprises us with even more ways that Caden's special heart is making a difference. I'm literally tearing up right now just thinking about it. Thank y'all.

Not to mention that everyone at the cicu was just over-the-moon at how great Caden looked. They reminded us that the Ross-konno procedure is so rare and that Caden looked amazing considering what a huge procedure he had. Caden had also had a nurse come give him a synagis injection that morning, and she said she had seen a baby earlier in the week with the exact same procedure. And she said Caden looked remarkable in comparison. All that to say the whole day was a reminder of God's goodness to us and to his miraculous healing through the amazing people at Egleston.

Next, on Christmas eve, we delivered some Christmas gifts to kiddos and neighbors. We had fun walking around and handing out gifts and homemade caramel sauce. Yum. Oh and this little smile right here is the best thank-you ever. If you've been hanging around the Stanley Clan for awhile, you've seen it before.

We then got dressed quickly and went to Christmas eve service, dinner at the in-laws, and then back home for a fun bonfire and marshmallow roast with the kiddos. As we pulled into the neighborhood (we have to go around the block because we live on a one-way street), the kids yelled and ran after us and followed us home for the bonfire. It was SO fun, totally my favorite Christmas eve ever. We sang Christmas carols, one of the kiddos read the Christmas story from Luke (by heart!), and we ate delicious smores under the stars. It was a beautiful reminder of what Christmas is really all about.

A Very Merry Christmas . . .

2011-12-24T21:22:00.002-05:00

As we speak, Adam is lighting the bonfire for the dozen or so kids who are waiting to roast marshmallows, read the Christmas story, and sing carols. I cant imagine a better way to spend Christmas eve.

We have learned so much about hope, and joy and God's nearness this year. And we are enjoying Christmas on a whole new level because of Caden. I hope every single one of you has a Christmas that is full of peace and joy. I am profoundly grateful for every one of you and the way you have all touched our lives. Thank you and Merry Christmas from our family to yours!!

I wrote about God with us and how that has taken on new meaning for me this year. And this very cold night is one of my favorite Christmas memories ever.

And if you think about it, say a prayer for the Green family, their sweet baby Hallie went to be with Jesus this morning.

When Everything Changed

2011-12-23T11:42:00.000-05:00

Despite relatively warm temperatures here in Atlanta, we are determined to at least pretend it's winter since Christmas is just around the corner. So we are huddled around our fancy new fire pit. And I am happy. Content. Enjoying holding Caden snuggled close while Jayci roasts marshmallows and eats way too many smores. I wink at Adam, and squeeze the hand of the sweet little kiddo sitting next to me, and then I look up and see a smattering of stars strewn across the sky. Suddenly I am transported to a dark night so long ago. When the stars weren't dimmed by the lights of a city, but their sparkling glow shone over a quiet countryside and kept watch over a holy stable.

It was that night, under twinkling stars, tiny pinpricks of light, that the Savior was born. Groaning and laboring culminated in a moment of exquisite joy as a King left His throne. And since that moment, nothing has been the same.

Because we serve a God who enters in, who joins us where we are. Who leaves glorious heavens to be born in a straw and manure-strewn stable. Emmanuel. God with us.

And now when we sit at our son's bedside surrounded by blinking light and beeping machines, I feel Him sitting beside us. I know, He whispers. I know what it is to surrender a son. I know how it hurts, how hard it is to unclench your fist and let go of that which you love most. And I understand, in that moment, that He will redeem even this. That just as His own son was sacrificed to save the world, our son's suffering will not go unnoticed. It will make a difference. It will change us, transform hearts everywhere. And it has.

And for those who dread waking up yet another day to a thankless job they just don't love. When we're certain we were made for more than sitting at a desk or cleaning up dirty diapers. Again He whispers, I know. For 32 years, I whittled and carved and made tables from wood. The King of the universe who created every thing worked as a humble carpenter, patiently biding His time until His Father whispered it's time, and He turned water into wine.

When we weep for brokenness and death. When our baby doesn't come home from the hospital, or our husband hears "it's cancer." He knows. He too has wept for the loss of a friend. He wipes His own tears, wraps us in His strong arms, and carries our pain on His beautiful shoulders.

And when our heart aches because of betrayal. When friends weren't what or who we expected. They say one thing and mean another. When middle school "friends" reminded again and again how ugly I am. . . He watches with tears in His eyes, and grasps my hand tightly, gently reassuring me that He knows. That one of His closest friends sold Him for a few pieces of silver. That His best friend denied knowing Him. That He died alone, the voices ringing "crucify Him" in His ears.
For each person who stares unhappily in the mirror, uncomfortable in their own skin. He gently reminds us of how He left His throne, and lay swaddled in a manger. A bed not fit for a baby, let alone a King. How he had to be burped, fed, and clothed by those He created. How He intimately and fully understands our pain. But He also knows that His Father doesn't make mistakes. That He had a plan for His newborn son, just as He has a plan for each of us. That God knit together His son perfectly, and He does the same for each of His children. Carefully and painstakingly creating fingers and toes and eyelashes. And hearts, even those that have to be "mended" again. Because He knows how grace is given and strength provided in small doses, doled out as needed.

By the light of the bonfire, I smile as I picture that night. With cattle, and sheep, and manure, and body heat warding off the late-night chill. With shepherds barging in to admire the baby-king. With Mary and Joseph exclaiming over their beautiful son, even while their hearts squeezed with the pain of knowing they would have to give Him up. With the stars glittering overhead and the bustle of the nearby town bursting at the seams.

And I think to myself, it must have been a lot like our house. An unlikely place. An unusual location for holiness. The last place anyone would look to find a King. Where drug deals happen as the street lamp just barely pushes through the night's black. Where kids run around wearing the same clothes for days, and children have babies, and gangs claim young lives.

Unlikely.

Yet, we serve a God who loves to use the unlikely. Prostitutes, liars, murderers, gang-members, and even newborn babies.

This God who knows us so intimately, who has walked where we are, who enters in. This God will use the unlikely to save many. To rescue the world with a baby, by sacrificing His son. To show up where He is needed most, and expected least. To spread love and warmth and life to the darkest corners of the earth. Even to street corners in Atlanta. And stables in Bethlehem.

"For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace." -Isaiah 9:6

A fire pit, kickball, and the best pictures ever.

2011-12-19T17:18:00.003-05:00

Considering I still haven't finished stuffing, addressing, and sending my Christmas cards, I don't have much time to chat with y'all on here because I simply must get back to work on them or I will literally not get them out before Christmas. Shocking, I know.

I did want to share a ~~few~~ whole bunch of pictures from our weekend. Actually, these are just from Sunday. Some folks from our church in the suburbs (we have a church down here too) came and built us a fire pit. We've been wanting one so we can roast marshmallows etc with the kids. We played kickball, made hot dogs over the fire, hung out with friends, and met even more of our neighbors (score one for the fire pit operating exactly how we intended), made smores, and drank hot chocolate. Sadly I had no smores, mainly because I caught one of the kids BITING off a marshmallow from the bag, which had become a big mass of one giant marshmallow. And well, I'm no germ-phobe but that's just wrong.

Here's some of the little punkins hard at work on our fire-pit. Hooray for helpers!

Meanwhile, there was also a rousing kickball game going on at the park.

Rounding the bases in his rainboots. . . love it.

Here's Jayci running the bases. I wish I could figure out how to do video on my camera so you guys could have seen this. She circled the ball carefully when it was pitched to her, before kicking it away from the field behind home plate. Then she ran giggling to first base, dressed in her pink sweatpants, brown ballet flats, and hand-me-down blue sweatshirt. And my heart melted even further when as she was running the bases, one of the kiddos yelled out: "take it easy on jay ok?"

Then we headed back to our newly built fire pit and benches (pretty sweet right?) for roasting hot dogs and mashmallows.

Jayci stole my sunglasses to block the smoke from her eyes while she roasted a hot dog she didn't even want to eat.

She did, however, want to eat her s'more. Shocking.

After everyone had eaten their fill, we headed back to the park for more kickball and ultimate frisbee.

Jayci just cheered everyone on this time.

And what was Caden doing all this time? Being cute as usual. Seriously, are these not the cutest pictures ever? Mr Man is getting more and more personality (and also more drool) every single day.

Hearing His Heartbeat

2011-12-16T10:55:00.002-05:00

After Caden came home from the hospital with a feeding tube, we had to use a stethoscope to "check placement" of the tube, to make sure it was in the stomach before putting medications and food through it. After noticing (from a blog post of course) that we were using the fantabulous yellow plastic stethoscope they gave us at the hospital, a sweet nurse friend of ours offered to let us use her own stethoscope. Caden, praise the Lord, doesn't have his feeding tube any more; but sometimes I still like to use the stethoscope just to listen to his heart.

I wont pretend to know exactly what I'm hearing, but as I listen to the gentle thump-thump-thump of his miraculous little heartbeat, I am filled with awe. I can scarcely imagine that the surgeon's hands could be steady enough to make that heart beat, to swap teeny-tiny little arteries and stitch up teeny-tiny little holes. And even more than that, I am flooded with a sense of wonder at a God who carefully knit together my son's bitty little heart. He made no mistakes. Not even in the murmur, the abnormal cadence of his special heart.

It's harder to hear his heart beat, to recognize his murmur, than I thought it would be. I have to send Jayci out of the room. Wait until Caden stops flailing his little arms and screeching his sweet baby sounds. I have to focus. To breathe deeply and listen closely. And only then can I hear it: Lub-dub with swishing and regurgitation, almost musical. Again, I don't describe it accurately or medically. I only know that I can hear my son's heart. And it is miraculous.

I gently lay my fingers over his raised scar; touch his sternum, bumpy and bound together with wire. I can feel his heart trilling lightly, and I listen at the same time: thump-thump-thump-thump.

It's the same way with the Lord, I think. I have to listen so closely to hear His heartbeat. Tune out the distractions, focus my gaze, still my own heart. I have to put my head to His chest, breathe softly, and listen. Thump-thump-thump. There it is I think, as I sneak a cookie from our wrapped plate to give it to a homeless man on the street corner.

Again I hear it as I watch Jayci dance around excitedly, offering all the kiddos hot chocolate and making sure they all got marshmellows. Thump-thump-thump, I hear it when we hand a jar of caramel and homemade cookies to the drug dealer on the corner and hug him merry christmas, no strings attached.

As hustle and bustle surround us, particularly during the holiday season, it can be hard to hear it. But, rest assured, it's still there. His heart still beats for His children, and if you listen closely you will hear it. Thump-thump-thump. In unexpected places you'll hear it. His heart beats for the least of these, for the forgotten, the lonely.

I watch fourteen and fifteen year old mamas in our neighborhood: babies holding babies, and I think I hear the Lord's heart faintly thumping, with promise and hope despite pain or perhaps because of it. I imagine another teenage mommy, over 2000 years ago. Her heart racing as she cradled her beautiful baby, counting his tiny toes and exclaiming to Joseph over his little fingers. I wonder at the pain she must have felt, knowing she held the Saviour, and knowing she would have to give up her son.

I recognize my own pain mingled with joy as I imagine how she must have felt. I understand intimately this year how her heart must have ached, and yet been flooded with a certain peace. How she had to rest in the Lord's mighty arms, secure in her status as highly-favored and deeply loved. How she gently wrapped her Creator in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger to watch him slumber, the Lord's heartbeat loud in her ears.

The shepherds heard it beating, surrounded by a brilliant angel chorus. The sheep and goats heard it coming from their food trough, tiny coos from a bitty baby. And when I wonder how in the world can our little tiny light reach such a dark neighborhood, I remember that the Wise Men followed a single star that led them to the Savior.

Thump-thump-thump, His heart beats for each of us. For His children. For His son, sent to save the world. For our kiddos, for all those who wont have presents under their tree or a family to hug them tightly this Christmas. For the tantrum-throwing toddlers and the less-than-patient mothers. And for my son, I hear His heart beating loudly. I hear His heart matching Caden's own special heartbeat in a beautiful chorus that proclaims that God is good and the Savior is come.

A Merry Christmas to All . . .

2011-12-14T12:24:00.003-05:00

We are in the last-minute (of course) process of mailing out our Christmas cards (along with newsletters for our ministry). However, we're having a heck-of-a-time trying to round up all the addresses etc that we need. So here's my proposal: If you would like to get one of our Christmas cards/newsletters, send me an email at Becca1612 at hotmail dot com with your address and we will get one out to you asap!

I have lots of fun designing our Christmas card every year, so I dont want to share it on here yet until I get them in the mail (dont hold your breath, who knows how long that will take!) But in the spirit of wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, here's a few of the cards I've come up with in years past. Also, I'm about to cry about how wittle-bitty-baby Jayci used to be. Now she's grown. And I'm sad about it.

A Very Merry Christmas in the Hood

2011-12-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

Welcome to our little home. Our house is really not THAT little, but it certainly can feel little when it's just bursting with kiddos and friends. Which I love, but it makes "Decorating" a tricky balancing act between creating a cozy, beautiful space and making things family-and kiddos-friendly.

Since it's our first Christmas in this home, not to mention a Christmas that is viewed through a new lens after everything with Caden, I've absolutely loved making things festive around here. Although, more than anything else, we are focusing on making sure our house is full of JOY.

Decorating cookies, aka throwing sprinkles and spreading icing all over our house.

Our Christmas cards strung across the barn door that still has no hardware . . . see how few cards I have? Send us more!

And here's our mantel and Christmas tree. Which is really the extent of our decorating this year.

Although I did throw in a few little berries/greenery/etc throughout the living room. Because why not?

This is in our dining room. Again, not the not-working-but-will-be-amazing-one-day barn door, currently serving as a Christmas card display.

Twinkle is hanging out still. Although most days we forget to move him or anything. Jayci just thinks he's a lazy elf.

Bye-bye now! Thanks for stopping in. Oh and in case you are wondering, you are LITERALLY always invited over . . . our house is always open! :-) Well, besides Monday. That's family day.

Linking our little tour here and here today

The "Cracker," Santa, and More Festivities

2011-12-12T21:19:00.000-05:00

The holidays are such a fun, albeit hectic, time of year. I'm so enjoying having a three year old who is old enough to understand Christmas (at least a little).

This Friday, I got to take her to see the Nutcracker at the Fox. It was super-fun to get all dressed up and go see the show in such a beautiful place, I just love the Fox and don't get many opportunities to go. This was a short showing (about an hour) that they put on just for kids. Jayci absolutely loved it, seriously loved it way more than I thought she would. Here's how things went during the show: "What's happening mommy? Now what's happening? What's going to happen next? What's that? Where did those rats go? What's happening now?" I really should have looked up the story of the Nutcracker before we went, because I was a little fuzzy on the details and may have been making things up left and right - and ended up telling her periodically to "just watch the princesses dance." Mention of princesses usually stop all the questions, at least for a little while. We went with several friends and got lunch at a fun southern place afterwards. And can I just tell you how many souffles I chose from the menu? Four. I had four souffles for lunch.

Also, Jayci has been asking me every day if we can go back and see "the cracker." And can I also mention just how much Trouble (notice the capital "T") these two are together? On Sunday, they almost burnt the church down at the community dinner we went to. I yelled until Adam came and put the fire out. The story of our lives.

These next few pictures totally crack me up. The joys of trying to get four 3-yr-old girls together for a nice picture.

On Saturday, we had the opportunity to go to a special Christmas party that Choa puts on for heart babies. Choa always does things right, so the party was great. And I even got to meet a sweet fellow heart-mom that I met through this blog. What a fun treat! Jayci was a little scared of Santa, so I failed at getting a picture of both kiddos sitting in his lap. Caden, however, let me take just about the cutest santa picture ever. Ever.

Also, I'd really like to thank you guys again for all your sweet encouragement and help. Navigating having a heart baby is not something I ever thought we would have to do, and it has been a blessing to have other heart mamas help me on this journey. I'm just soaking up every moment of the holiday season with our sweet little miracle. Also, I'm not biased at all when I say that I'm pretty sure he's the cutest little man ever!

Jayci is showing some worrisome signs of no longer loving having her picture taken. Which saddens my heart. However, she asked me to take her picture while she gave "baby brother a sweet kiss" the other day. I happily obliged.

Hearts for the Holidays: Update (and other updates)

2011-12-09T09:34:00.001-05:00

It has come to my attention that there are some things we need to update y'all on.

1. Jayci's fever has not returned. Which is great news, and the doctor decided that since she seems ok and all her other symptoms have also not returned, we can hold off on repeating blood tests. Which is also great news because I can't stand the thought of holding her down for that again. She's now healthy and happy (well besides when she's throwing tantrums). Today, we took her to see the nutcracker (aka "the cracker" as she called it). She loved it, and don't worry, I'll post pictures soon.

2. Caden had his four month check-up with the pediatrician this week. Everything looked pretty good. His murmur, they said, was probably about a 3 (instead of a 2.5 which it was last time). They told me to watch for signs that it might be becoming a problem (which apparently is at a 4.5 or so) like he is sweating when he eats, or breathing heavily. This totally freaked me out because he basically sweats ALL the time. Like I worry about how he's going to smell as a teenager . . . I have heard from other heart moms that the sweating is pretty normal, but we still need to keep an eye on it if he seems like he's sweating more or anything. Also, he has always breathed more heavily than Jayci did, but never at a level that has caused us to worry. But the combination of these two things, sort of made me panic a little. Pray that we will have wisdom to know when anything needs further testing etc. and the ability to trust God, and trust ourselves as well. He also hadn't gained as much weight as they thought he might have. He went from the 40% to the 22% in weight, which means we have to fortify that formula again. Which is fine except for how expensive formula is, it's a little ridiculous really.

3. Several of you have asked about the girl who lived with us for a while (the one who had her baby, via emergency c-section, at fifteen years old). She unfortunately, is in prison now. She had an altercation with the baby's dad. Things didn't end well, and her court date is this week. Pray for her and for her baby too (he's with her mom, and doing well).

4. We have been working on putting together our baskets for the families in the CICU this Christmas. Thank you guys SO much for everything you have already sent and the support and encouragement you've given us! We are also going to get $5 Starbucks gift cards for all the nurses working on Christmas (both day and night shift).

I thought I'd include a list of everything we're planning on putting in the baskets because several people had offered to put together a basket. We are going to deliver these on December 23rd, so if you want to put together a basket, just let us know before then sometime!

- Nice journals and pens (so parents can write, journal how they're feeling, write down medical details, questions for the doctors etc).
- Gum, mints (you dont always want to leave your baby's bedside to go brush your teeth, but also want to talk to the drs and nurses without scaring them) . . .
- Small packets of tissue
- Water bottles
- Packaged snacks (granola bars, crackers etc) or homemade goodies
- Gift cards (there are several restaurants etc nearby: starbucks, chickfila, panera bread, doc chey's, and Domino's are neaby chains, and there are also some local places right near the hospital - rise and dine, Bad dog taqueria . . .)
- Gas cards (you drive back and forth a lot!)
- Travel-sized things of shampoo, body wash, lotion, etc.
- Hand lotion (you wash your hands constantly so they get super-dry)
- Small things of laundry detergent (if you stay overnight at the hospital, it's nice to be able to do your laundry)
-Antibacterial gel (have to be extra careful about germs!)
*We also already bought parking passes and have had some notes and burp clothes, homemade goodies etc that we will add to each bag.

Thanks again so so so much for all your prayers and love. Our family feels surrounded and upheld by your love on a daily basis. Again, feel free to email me if you have any questions or want to help (Becca1612 at hotmail dot com).

This is Grace

2011-12-07T15:00:00.000-05:00

Every single time we get in the car, Jayci immediately requests that we listen to the "grace song" (it's on Matt Hammitt's cd, which y'all already know we love). I typically oblige her request, and can't help but smile at what ensues . . .

"This is grace, this is grace, when we walk through the dark night," she sings loudly. I smile and sing too, although not quite as loudly perhaps. Suddenly, she stops singing and asks, "mommy, what is grace?"

All right, I think, a slight panic rushing through me. It's go time, crucial parenting moment right now . . .

And yet, grace feels hard to encompass in words. I fumble through it.

I tell her that grace is when we get what we don't deserve. When a good God gives us good gifts, despite how we act on a daily basis. When she forgives me for losing my temper. When I forgive her for throwing a fit. And then buy her ice cream.

That this is grace, when I see the sunshine filtering through the few brown-tinged leaves still gripping tightly to their branches. Their refusal to let go.

This is grace, the promise of a spring that comes after winter. That new life bursts forth from death, from dirt. That God creates life from dust and beauty from ashes.

I tell her that grace means God still shows up in unexpected places. That He sits with fifteen year old moms in prison, and holds their new babies in His big arms. That He forgives and loves even those for whom the glittering lights of Atlanta don't shine so brightly.

That grace is the space where her scraped knees are gently bandaged, and where new skin grows over the hurt.

This is grace, I remind her as we lay on her bed with Caden between us and pray with thankfulness for his heart. She tells me that it's ok if Caden wants to sleep in her bed. She hugs and kisses him, and I tell her that too, is grace.

Grace meets us, I explain, when we come to the end of ourselves. When we realize our willingness to be weak means Christ can be unexpectedly strong in and through us. Graces finds strength for the each day. Whether it's grace for temper tantrums or grace as we walk through our son's darkest hours.

This is grace, I think, as I fumble and try to find just the right words to be the perfect mom. Grace that my imperfection points my children to Jesus. That He will stand in the gap where I fall short.

"This is grace, this is grace, when we walk through the dark night." She sings it again the next morning with great gusto as usual.

I ask her if she remembers what grace means. Huh? she responds.

And I remember that grace, somehow, is best learned lived out.

I learn it as I stumble through darkness only to find steady hands surrounding me. When our worst fears are realized. When sorrow meets joy, inextricably bound.

I live it while Caden is in the hospital and my faith is unraveled, only to be rewoven even more tightly.

I understand grace when I meet it face-to-face. When I deserve death and receive life. When I am forgiven again and again and again.

So I will do my best to live out grace. Demonstrating it for my children, loving them extravagantly and freely, regardless of their behavior. Lavishing it on our neighbors, and seasoning my words with it.

And each day I will pray for sweet Jayci and Caden, that one day (and every day) they will find themselves staring in the face of God's great grace. And that it will change them, heal them, and make them new.

Christmas Trees and Such

2011-12-04T17:01:00.001-05:00

We had, yet another, full and fun weekend. We got our tree up and decorated gradually. And I even finished my advent calendar by December 2nd, so almost on time. I've been wanting to share what we're doing for advent this year, because we're trying to be a little more intentional with Christmas this year, now that Jayci's old enough to actually have some sort of idea what's going on.

To make our advent calendar, I (and again, I sometimes like using "I" to describe work primarily done by Adam) cut chicken wire to fit an empty frame I got at the thrift store. And then we Adam stapled gunned the chicken wire to the back of the frame. Then we simply picked out 25 ornaments and hung them on the chicken wire with paper clips. I was going to pick 25 beautiful ornaments, but then Jayci begged to help, and I just gave in and let her choose the ornaments. The plan was for Jayci to put an ornament on the tree each morning.

But then we also wanted to do some special family activities along with the ornaments, so I cut up a paper bag from Publix, and made some quick activity card. They range from "go to see the Nutcracker," to "Drive around and look at Christmas light." to "watch Christmas movie" and "read the Christmas story." Some of them are more in depth ideas, and others are as simple as "have a dance party to Christmas music."

Then we simply hole punched and tied each activity onto an ornament so Jayci can take the ornament and put it on the tree, and then we have a special family activity to do that day too. We wanted to try and be intentional about spending family time during the holidays, particularly because we have so much hectic very-much-not-alone-time . . .

Jayci likes the advent calendar so far. We are also doing a slightly ~~ghetto~~ vintage elf-on-the-shelf that we happened to find in our Christmas boxes. We wrote a little note to Jay from Santa introducing "Twinkle" the elf. We realize, however, that there is little chance of Jayci believing in Santa for long in our neighborhood, because the kiddos come over nearly daily and loudly ask us if Jayci STILL believes in Santa. And they keep asking and asking and asking who REALLY wrote the note from Santa about the elf. Even though Adam burnt the edges for authenticity. Although I'm not positive how that makes it more authentic.

Jayci has enjoyed the Christmas festivities so far this year, which just makes it all that much more fun. She was very intent and careful in decorating the tree. Even spreading the ornaments out as high as she can reach, rather than sticking them all on one branch like she did last year.

Sometimes I try and take some impromptu pictures for our Christmas cards and this is what I get. Brilliant.

We also went to this Christmas-thing-that's-hard-to-explain that we go to every year. And "scary Santa" was there again, and Jayci managed to actually get close enough to him for 2 seconds so I could snap a picture. Unfortunately, they were looking at the ACTUAL photographer, and she high-tailed it out of there before I could ask her to look at me. Not that I can blame her.

Jay and Caden both wore their new hats that my sweet friend Amanda made for them (cause she's the best) and they looked adorable!

I'm determined to finish getting our halls all decked out so I can post a fun Christmas tour at some point. We'll see if that happens . . .

Before Time Began

2011-12-01T21:53:00.001-05:00

I had a bad day today.

And I've been avoiding the blog, because I dont want to be a downer, or for y'all to feel like I'm just trying to get your sympathy or something.. But writing is so therapeutic for me, that you'll have to forgive me for muddling through while I put my emotions and thoughts down . . .

The last few weeks, I have been praying for and emailing with the parents of a heart baby (Thomas) with HLHS having surgery at CHOA. We had been planning on bringing his family cookies and an encouraging note (like a sweet friend did for us while Caden was in the hospital), but he went home to be with Jesus before we could bring them.

Yesterday, we decided to bring the cookies to the nurses at CHOA anyways. We thought it would give us a chance to talk to them a little more about our baskets, and ideas for what to include. Being back in the CICU, and thinking about Thomas, and about Caden . . . it was hard. I felt like I was reliving those scary days and nights. And I was hurting for Thomas's parents. And I was suddenly struck with intense fear of going through it all again in a few years, with a son that we know even more intimately than we did the first time. A son who recognizes my voice, grins for his sister, and refuses to giggle for his daddy.

Then last night, we shared Caden's story with the beautiful Phi Mu girls at Georgia Tech, who want to help with our baskets for the families at Choa. I read Caden's birth story (because I'm much better at writing than public speaking), and I barely made it through without sobbing (I actually just saved the tears until we got back to our car).

All that to say, yesterday was an emotional day. It's amazing the power of memories, and how I was transported back so fully. I ended up feeling guilty because I feel like I'm a little "stuck" on everything that happened with Caden. Even writing this, I realize how crazy that sounds - but I just feel like I should be grateful to have Caden home, full of only joy and happiness that he's doing well, and just move on already.

After an emotional day yesterday, Caden LITERALLY did not sleep last night. Typically, he wakes up every two or three hours to eat, but sleeps great in between. Not last night.

Needless to say, I woke this morning feeling a little ragged. And then Jayci was in rare form, beginning the day with some major tantrums, including a large quantitiy of very loud screaming. And Caden wouldn't stop crying. And all I wanted to do was run away and hide and cry and scream somewhere myself.

Which, of course, only made me feel more guilty and like a bad mom. Like I'm just not cut out for raising two little ones. I have no idea how to respond with grace and patience to Jayci, or how to get Caden to develop good sleep habits. Or how to teach Jayci to value herself, or how to know if Caden is ready to go more than 2 hours between feedings during the night . . . I spent the day beating myself up and questioning myself as a mom. Which equals a not-so-fantastic day.

I prayed a lot today too, asking the Lord to encourage my heart. To give me patience. To forgive me for not using kind and wise words with Jayci.

In the midst of my messy-emotional-whatever-it-was, we unpacked some of our Christmas boxes.

And I saw this.

I caught my breath when I saw him, laying there on the top of a box, which we hadn't touched since we moved out of our last house. Which was before I was even pregnant with Caden.

I remember when Adam's grandmother gave us this little guy, I felt a little confused as to why she had picked this particular Willow Tree, because the other ones she had given us always pertained directly to something in our lives (wedding, pregnancy, birth of Jayci . . . )

But now I know. I know that God knew Caden before time even began, before we had any idea we were going to have a son, let alone a son with a special heart. And today, I needed the reminder that God has always had good plans for us. That God ordained Caden as our son (and Jayci as our daughter), and that Caden's heart was not a mistake or a surprise. Tears cloud my eyes even as I type, because seeing that little guy holding that golden heart to his chest, I am blown away by the goodness of a God who cares enough about us to remind us that He KNEW. And that He knows. Our hearts. Our hurts. Our future.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Our Thanksgiving(s) in pictures and captions

2011-11-28T21:04:00.001-05:00

I feel as though I should begin this post with a warning: I take too many pictures and ~~sometimes can be~~ am almost always a little wordy. Our Thanksgiving break was so jam-packed, that I feel as though this double-whammy might be especially terrible for this post. Feel free not to read on. I wont be offended. Unless only 2 people comment, and then I might feel sad and realize that I'm writing all the words and taking all the pictures for only four people, including my mom and Adam's mom.

We celebrated Thanksgiving twice. With two equally ginormous and complete Thanksgiving dinners. Adam deserves a big shout out for cooking two Thanksgiving meals. I, for one, am totally impressed. And feel so grown-up that we cooked this turkey all by ourselves (do you like how I used "we" there?). Isn't it pretty? (and if you look closely, you can see a portion of Caden's own Thanksgiving Feast of GERBER GOODSTART. Yum).

The first Thanksgiving meal was the one we hosted at our house for some of our neighbors and neighborhood kiddos. We had 27 people in attendance for this feast. That's a lot of folks crammed into our not-so-large house. Not to mention that we would have had even more, but several children left before they ate (as a result of their inability to stop all the fighting).

Somehow, everyone had a seat. And we ate all the food save a small portion of turkey. Loaves and fish I tell you.

Love these kiddos. Particularly the sunglasses which have been converted to winter glasses by the removal of dark lenses. Genius.

And here is my balding little man with a receeding hairline. Look how well he's holding up his cute little head!

I kid you not, directly after finishing cleaning up after this feast, Adam headed to my parents' house to brine a turkey a la Pioneer Woman. Impressive right?

The next morning, we all went over to my parents house so Adam could finish making the feast, and so ~~Jayci~~ Snow White could play with her "friends" in the yard.

And also so that Caden could hang out with Oma-Oma (my dad's mom). Love her.

Jayci was apparently happy about the second Thanksgiving feast. I'm telling you, I have never seen more amazingly delicious food in one place, so I can't say I blame her for all the happiness.

Oh hi there cute little turkey-butt.

Our Thanksgiving break also included a girls' night (complete with Christmas movie and crafting and popcorn) for some of the neighborhood kiddos (and also these two little ~~trouble-makers~~ angels).

And then Cinderella showed up to help decorate the tree.

And Caden spent much time watching the festivities while laughing, smiling, yelling, blowing spit bubbles, and being generally cute.

I realize that this picture is totally ridiculous, dark, grainy, out of focus and I'm wrinkling my nose unattractively (and also Adam looks like a total creeper) but I love it nonetheless.

Thankful

2011-11-24T13:41:00.001-05:00

I'm certain that every single post on every single blog today is going to be about thankfulness and how thankful we all are . . . And I apologize for the redundancy, but I simply cannot allow today to pass by without acknowledging all that I have to be thankful for today. Each year, I write a post on Thanksgiving about how this year, I am the most thankful ever. . . And I mean it every year. I feel like our capacity for thankfulness continues to grow the more you practice it. Once I notice those things and people around me with gratitude, my eyes are opened to even more blessings in my life.

This year, of course, every single day feels a little bit like thanksgiving. My heart fairly bursts with gratitude each time I snuggle my little Caden. Or play in the warm sun with my sweet Jayci. Each time I drive around my block, or hear the knock of the kiddos on my door. When I sit in our new living room and rock Caden while Jayci sings at the top of her lungs, I cannot describe how grateful I feel.

And especially, I am grateful when I realize afresh the goodness of God.

It's a weighty thing, this Goodness. It fills the days and anchors my heart, even when I get caught up in the craziness. When there's 27 people in our house for a thanksgiving meal: neighbors and kiddos and friends . . . It's chaos, and yet I am still anchored in the midst of it all by gratitude for His goodness. And I steal away for a few minutes of quiet while I feed Caden. I breathe in and out His Goodness, lifting prayers of thankfulness that Caden is well. Thankfulness for normal things like colds. Thankfulness for His abundant provision that allows us to share our home and meals with so many. And even thankfulness for three-year-old temper tantrums. I am grateful to have a girl who is healthy enough, independent enough, fearless enough to disagree with me. . . .

And when I forget, when I lose sight of the Goodness, I am reminded by an encouraging note or email from one of you. Reminded by the sound of Caden's cries, his lungs healthy and strong. Reminded by the family that surrounds us loudly and completely. Reminded by the smiles and nods from drug dealers on the corner. Reminded by the phone calls wishing happy thanksgiving from our kiddos. Reminded by the sunshine streaming and warming between my shoulder blades. Reminded each moment that I am thankful, and that He has given us many reasons for giving thanks.

Not the least of which is a feast made by my fantastic husband and pastry-chef sister. Just sayin'

An Update, In List Form

2011-11-22T20:40:00.001-05:00

1 - Remember how Caden was waking up to eat every two hours? It hasn't stopped. And it's seriously messing with my brain's ability to function. As evidence, I originally typed the first sentence as "Adam was waking up every two hours to eat." Which would be hilarious if he did. And also convenient, because then he could also feed Caden for me.

2 - Jayci has slept through the night the last two nights. So without jinxing it, I'm going to put it out there and say I'm hoping it's a trend. Luckily, my grandmother is visiting from Canada and brought Jayci some delicious Canadian candy (which I'm obsessed with and is one of the top 5 things I miss about Canada). We told her she could have some in the morning if she didn't wake us up all night. Here's hoping bribery pulls through for us again.

3 - Speaking of Jayci, her mysterious fever has now been gone for a week. We will talk to the doctor tomorrow, and probably have her blood drawn again to make sure her elevated numbers have gone down. That would mean they were elevated as a result of the virus and not some underlying issue. I'll keep you posted on that situation.

4 - Speaking of fevers, Caden has one. It's not nearly as frighteningly-high as Jayci's was, but it's been hovering right around 99-100 the last few days. And pretty-much anything abnormal when it's related to health is frightening for me with Caden. He is having his first Synagis injection (vaccination again rsv) tomorrow, and we will talk to the doctor then. And again, I'll keep you posted. But please be praying it's nothing, and that his fever doesn't go up. Because when I talked to the doctor when Jayci was sick, they said they "think his heart could probably handle a high fever." And it turns out that "think" and "could probably" aren't my favorite words in this situation.

5 - Adam has been in the kitchen all day whipping up some amazing dishes for our Thanksgiving meal for neighborhood kiddos tomorrow. I'm pretty sure we will have large quantities of children showing up to break bread with us and give-thanks. And if not, we will have enough food to last us for a very long time. Which is great news.

6 - If it sounds like Adam does all the work around here, that is absolutely not true. Ok maybe a little true. But I am primarily responsible for feeding Caden, which means that I'm also making lots of food right? I've also been taking lots of pictures. It's Christmas card season, after all. And since posts are boring without pictures, here's a few from my latest shoots.

*An Addendum (aka the one thing I meant to write in this post but completely forgot to include originally):
7-We are SO SO incredibly grateful for the response we've gotten on the CICU baskets we want to make. The ways that y'all have stepped up to help have just blown us away! We have homemade blankets, goodies, burp clothes, head bands, notes . . . Not to mention so many people who have contributed to allow us to purchase things like gas cards, starbucks cards, parking passes etc. We will keep you posted on the process, what we're including etc. And we also wanted ya'll to know that these baskets are an exciting way for us to feel like we're honoring Caden, but they are not just from our family - they are from all of you! Your prayers and love and encouragement helped us through a really hard time, and we want to share that with others. That said, we've had lots of amazing "heart families" who have contributed already, and I think it will be really special for families in the CICU to see that others have walked the path they are on. If you want to help or contribute, dont forget you can email me at Becca1612 at hotmail dot com. And we will probably deliver them right before Christmas, so you still have lots of time!

Jayci in Red

2011-11-18T14:15:00.001-05:00

The other day, Jayci decided she needed to wear red, for Christmas coming. And also, Caden needed to wear red to match. I was happy to oblige, as long as she agreed to take a few pictures of her and her brother. Her response? "Ok mommy, you can take three pictures. That's all."

Thankfully, I was able to sneak in a few more, because my sweet little ones looked pretty cute in their red outfits.

We also took an impromptu trip to Lenox mall, since it was family day. Also, because we desperately need a new rug for our living room. There may or may not be gum currently stuck in it from one of the kiddos. I would tell you what else, but I might want to have you over for dinner someday, so it's probably better you don't know. For your own good of course.

I'm not sure what made me think I'd find an appropriately priced rug at Lenox mall. I temporarily forgot what we do for a living.

It turns out that Santa was already at Lenox for the season. Jayci was, however, a little too nervous to go visit him. She merely wanted to "peek at him" a few times throughout our trip.

We left Lenox just in time to see them hoisting the giant Christmas tree onto the roof. ~~Adam~~ Jayci was excited to see the large cranes they used to lift such a ginormous tree. We laughed about how if we had planned to try and go to see the Christmas tree being put on the roof, we surely would have missed it because we are perpetually late for everything. So it was a happy accident and a festive day!

Hearts for the Holidays

2011-11-15T22:33:00.001-05:00

It's almost Thanksgiving. I know, I can't believe how fast time is flying either. But this year especially I am so aware of just how much we have to be thankful for. Caden is home with us. That sweet little face is getting chubbier by the day, and the feeding tube is out of his poor little nose. I am beyond thankful for both my little sweethearts. And for our new home, our ministry, and our family and friends. . . But I also recognize that even while Caden was in the hospital, even while his heart was fighting to beat, we still had so much to be thankful for. The amount of support, love, encouragement and prayers we had while we were in the hospital . . . it literally brought us to tears of gratitude on a daily basis.

We've realized, however, that not everyone with little ones in the hospital has people sending them itunes gift cards, money for parking, making them food, cleaning their houses . . . Beyond that, I can scarcely begin to imagine spending the holidays at my baby's bedside in the CICU.

Because we are thankful, and because we want to pass along some of the encouragement and love y'all showered us with during Caden's hospital stay . . . we are planning something fun for families in the CICU this holiday season. We want to put together gift baskets/bags/what-have-you for each child (and their family) in the CICU. We spoke with CHOA and they said they are staffed for 14 beds, can hold up to 27 children, but at their busiest usually have 18-20 kids . . . So we want to put together 20 bags.

Some ideas as to what we want to include in the bags are: gift certificates for surrounding restaurants, parking passes, CDs, hand-written notes, handmade goodies, baby blankets, hats, toys etc . . .

What we want is your help. We would love for y'all to be a part of what we're doing. Whether it's by contributing ideas for what to include (especially from my fellow heart-parents - what would you have wanted when you were in the hospital?), money contributions, or if you have something specific you'd like to donate for us for the bags (maybe you make something like baby hats or dolls etc).

I'm always kind of nervous about doing stuff like this, because I'm afraid that no one will respond. But we feel led to love these families, who are undoubtedly facing some of the hardest moments you can imagine. And if a simple act of love and kindness can point them to Jesus, then I feel like it's something we desperately want to be a part of. So please humor me by at least contributing some ideas for us!

We are also going to do something small for all the nurses and staff in the CICU. We are so excited to give back, to honor Caden's days in the CICU, and to thank you for all you have done for us and our family. And also to show those who loved and cared for Caden how thankful we are for the work they do day in and day out.

CHOA has given us a letter that anyone donating can use, because every contribution made is tax-deductible. I will be happy to email that letter out to anyone who is interested! I really think this will mean a lot to the families who have to spend the holidays in the hospital, I know that we couldn't have been more grateful for every single note, prayer, gift, and encouraging word. Seriously, they completely carried us through each day, and I dont think we would have made it without them.

If you'd rather email me ideas, or want an address for sending donations, or need that letter, you can reach me at Becca1612 at hotmail dot com.

Update on Life and Jayci

2011-11-14T20:46:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure I could be more exhausted. I'm also not sure I should say that, for fear of how little sleep I will get tonight. About 2 weeks ago we started a "sleep through the night" sticker chart for Jayci. Guess how many stickers she has? Two. That means there are only two nights that she has slept straight through in the past 2 weeks. Not to mention Caden waking up at LEAST every three hours, usually every one or two.

All that to say that when Jayci came down with a high fever and cough AGAIN this weekend, for the third weekend in a row, it about did me in. The first two weekends seemed weird, but THREE in a row with Jayci getting sick? Not normal. So we took her to the doctor this morning. She said that it is possibly that Jay just had three different minor viruses the past three weekends. But also that it could be something more serious, which means she ordered blood tests and a chest x-ray. We agreed with her that after everything with Caden, we always vote for erring on the side of caution. Especially because Jayci's fever went up while we were at the doctor and she was back at 104. Poor thing. It was not fun for me to be back at CHOA, particularly with my grouchy three year old. Who didn't enjoy having her blood drawn or chest x-rayed. It was one of the worst moments ever when I had to hold her down while they drew her blood. She screamed loudly and cried for her mommy the entire time. I hated it.

Anyways, we got her chest x-ray back and it was clear. The blood work we should get back tomorrow, but they did get initial blood counts which came back normal - a very good thing (because the doctor admitted she was worried it was leukemia. Which I'm glad she didn't tell me until AFTER she had ruled it out based on blood count). We're hoping and praying that Jayci has just managed to get 3 different viruses the past few weekends. And if I'm being honest, today made me glad that Caden wasn't old enough to look betrayed or ask us what was going on when he had his surgery.

Jayci totally has moments of happy (after the Tylenol kicks in and her fever goes down), but it's mixed in with lots of not sleeping and being angry and sad and complaining that her legs are hurting. Which is weird.

We also have to try and keep her away from Caden, which is difficult because she loves her baby brother and wants to snuggle him constantly.. Not to mention that, well, he's adorable and hard to stay away from. Plus, she's three and doesn't quite understand the concept of germs.

Again, we'd appreciate your prayers. I feel torn between fear and certainty that nothing serious is wrong. Dr. Jina said there's just no way that the Stanley family could be unlucky enough to have something else major wrong in less than four months. I part-way agree, while also knowing that God doesn't work like that. His ways are not our ways, and we continue to trust Him with both of our beautiful children.

Our Lives in 140 Characters or Less

2011-11-11T09:58:00.001-05:00

I like Twitter (not as much as I like the little munchkin laying on his playmat and making cooing noises right now, but still). If I'm being honest, I'm not an *awesome* twitterer (tweeter?). I don't tweet a whole lot. I'm a little afraid of Hashtags - they intimidate me. And I often forget to respond when people "mention" me. But I do like following people, and getting little snapshots into their lives. Especially people who make me laugh (like my sister).

And I thought that maybe some of y'all who aren't on Twitter might want a little snapshot of our lives as well. Besides, where else am I forced to be so concise and pithy?
So without further ado, I give you a glimpse into our lives via my tweets from the last few days:

*You can tell what our neighborhood's like by the # of z's replacing s's in signs/names. Like the Speak Eazy next to the Salon and Cutz.
*The amount of laundry that currently needs to be done (not to mention folded and put away) is bordering on absurd.
*Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a flat screen tv on his shoulder like a boombox circa 1985.
*As Jayci says: "he's a happy happy boy"

*Want a quick way to undo all your hard work cleaning? Have 2 teen boys spend the night. Then let them play with your 3 yr old all morning.
*Jayci's "quiet time" consists of her singing loudly and yelling to see if she can come out yet.
*Cleaning day attire includes a dancing skirt . . . Naturally.

*Sometimes I like to have pumpkin spice cake with whipped cream for breakfast.
*Whenever Adam locks our car he makes a sound like the alarm is being set . . . I think he has all the would-be thieves fooled.
*When we get pizza delivered in our neighborhood, the delivery man honks and we have to come out and get our pizza. I blame the drug dealers on the corner.
*Adam just made himself a peanut butter, honey and chocolate cookie sandwich.
*Chocolate cookie making time :-)

*Every day around 4, jayci changes from my sweet baby to girl-who-didnt-nap-but-clearly-should-have. And good heavens, it is not pretty.. . .
*Caden and I are hanging out in our room, bc there are MANY teenage boys from the neighborhood watching the Falcons game in our living room.
*Jayci just informed me, "you need to clean under your bed. It's all messy-uppy." I know, I know. I just prefer to ignore it.
*LSU scored and Jayci said "yay kitty cats" . . . Close enough right?
*Somewhere in the depths of my car is a toy that plays music every time I turn or go over a bump. Its driving me crazy.
*The messiness of our car has reached a whole new level. It's impressive really.
*Three year olds are a delight.

And here's a few of my all-time favorite tweets, mostly from back in the day. But I still feel as though they offer some insight into us and our lives. So I'm sharing them with y'all.

*It seems my life has come to this: Cleaning up bodily fluids from dogs and children. Joy.
*Adam is singing christmas carols. Loud and high. It's so lovely that the dogs started howling along.
*Adam just said: "I feel like you're mad at me because you don't want cheese dip."
*Got the windows busted out the car. For realz though.
*I may or may not be eating my bagel with my sister's homemade cream cheese icing rather than actual cream cheese. Don't judge.
*Sitting here in a UGA snuggie eating cookie dough, watching Extreme Home Makeover; that sounds a little pathetic now that I think about it.

*Adam and I are playing scrabble against each other online. Could we be any cooler?
*Oh hello there empty laundry basket, I don't believe we've met before.
*I've said it once and I'll say it again: someone needs to start a fountain diet coke delivery service. Preferably a free one.
*Just got a text from a friend asking if I wanted to go to the gym. Unfortunately, I am extremely busy eating a large piece of cake.

So I just read over ALL my past tweets (there are 1137 of them). I cried through the ones during Caden's time in the hospital. That was scary y'all, seriously.

And then I realized that I tend to tweet a lot about food, and also how badly behaved Jayci is. I apologize for that trend. The truth is that she's not really bad very often. I just tweet about it when she is. It's my passive aggressive way of dealing with it. Nice parenting strategy right?

Do y'all have Twitter? Let me know your Twitter name so I can follow you if you do!

In the midst

2011-11-09T15:25:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I think the kiddos only have two volumes: loud and louder. Even as I retreat to my room and draw the shades down to nurse Caden, I hear the cacophony of their voices on our front porch. I breathe deeply and close my eyes as they fight over the UNO game they're intent on and shout to their friends passing by. My retreat is short-lived, as Jayci inevitably bursts through the door. I have to remind her for the 100th time that I need privacy while I'm nursing, and to close the door behind her. I cuddle with both of my own children for a few minutes before we head back out into the chaos. We join the UNO game, with Caden in the Moby and Jayci sitting next to me so she can be "on my team." I explain, over and over again, that the card you play needs to match the color or number. So you need a blue or a seven, I say, as the little girl across from me throws down a green five triumphantly. . . . The street lights blink on and the children scatter to get home before dark, leaving cards and cups and trash strewn across our porch and home. Sighing, I bend to pick them up while Caden cries because it's time to eat again, and Jayci screams that she wants her friends to come back.

It's not that my heart isn't full and thankful, because it most definitely is. Wehang leaves on our "thankful tree" every day, Jayci is thankful for ice cream, and I'm thankful for our home, our family, our children . . I hug Caden close and whisper thankful prayers that he is home with us. I smile as I watch the kiddos throw a ball with Jayci, and I can feel love swell as we hold hands around our dinner table to pray for the food and for our new friends who are sharing it with us.

Yet, I am exhausted from the effort. The edges of motherhood and ministry seem messy and blurry. I don't know how to do both, how to keep them, not exactly separate, but both with equal importance. There is no balancing, no sleeping, no maintaining order of any sort. And I can hear it in my voice, the constant edge of exasperation with my stubborn three year old. The grouchy heart towards my husband for not helping enough, despite the fact that he just made us all dinner and played frisbee in the park with kids for hours on end. My voice carries an undertone of irritation that I swore I'd never use. And no matter how hard I try to be gracious and loving, I simply don't WANT to paint with Jayci for three and a half seconds before she inevitably gives up and leaves me more to clean up. Add in Jayci's stomach bug and fever, lack of sleep, and today Adam wakes up thinking he caught whatever Jayci had. I can feel myself fray around the edges a little more.

When Jayci is finally asleep for the night (well, at least for now), and Caden is babbling happily next to me on the bed, I curl up and shut my eyes and I hear it. A still, small voice. Reminding me that I can't do it all. And I feel heavy with the knowledge that I have been trying to do everything on my own strength. Trying to carry my burdens and my children's burdens and the kiddo's burdens . . . And God calls me: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

In the midst of it all, the Lord, in His infinite kindness, beckons me to drink deeply from the Living Water. He offers me water from a well that doesn't run dry. Water that wont leave me thirsting again. He promises that I will be like a well-watered garden, that He "will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." And I know if I would just draw my strength from Him rather than myself, those around me would see the fruit of His Spirit in my life. They would see kindness and patience rather than frustration and irritation. Love and gentleness rather than harsh words and anger. He whispers in the dark quiet of my room that if I wait upon Him, my strength will be renewed. I wont feel drained and empty, but full and refreshed. Because He has called us, and He will also equip us.

I recognize that our lives are a particular brand of exhausting, but I can't help but think that, especially with the busyness of the holidays looming, many of you might feel weary as well. So today I'm praying for myself, and for each of you, that you would go to Christ first. That He would refresh your heart, and that you would draw strength for motherhood, for work, for all of life, from the well that does not run dry.

"Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." - John 7:38

Around the House: Sneak Peeks

2011-11-07T17:37:00.002-05:00

I know, I know, I totally promised y'all more house pictures. I think I may have even mentioned a tour at some point. But I apologize because we just don't have any other rooms finished yet (besides the kitchen, which you've already seen). Not to mention that there are usually approximately 27 children in our house at all times, making picture-taking a near-impossibility. Also making it impossible to keep things clean. We did, however, designate Monday as both "family day" and cleaning day. Which means that the rest of the week, I leave all messes thinking either a) we just cleaned or b) we will just wait until next Monday when we clean again. Good strategy right?

Anyways, despite not having a full room/house tour for you today, I did want to post some sneak peeks of little pieces of our house that ARE presentable. Explanations, DIY instructions etc to follow. Someday.

Our "family rules" poster. Which we make the kids read all the time. Someday we will get a nicer frame, one that doesn't look like we're in a college dorm.

And the cutest accessory in our house . . . Right? That tongue is killing me, and the spit bubbles are constant.

Jayci loves family day, and she even loves helping clean. Particularly when we put music on and she wears her princess skirt (which is every week). Every time one of the kiddos rings the doorbell, she yells out: "it's family day!"

When Procrastination Totally Pays Off

2011-11-04T09:55:00.000-04:00

Remember how it took us forever to get into our new house? Well because of that delay, we also delayed a few things in the child-rearing department with Jayci. For example, when we started the whole process we moved Jayci's crib into my parents' house so she could sleep in it. Because she wasn't even two years old. We also let her keep her pacifier, because we reasoned that we wanted her to have it for the transitions. Besides, we were only going to be living there for a few months (ha). Not to mention that we didn't even begin to attempt potty-training.

Then we moved into our new house. And Jayci was almost three. Yet she still had her pacifier, wore pull-ups, and slept in her crib. Which made me feel like the biggest slacker-mama ever. We knew we had to tackle the issues, but didn't feel equipped to handle them all at once, so we laid out a plan to work through each issue one-by-one (and by "laid-out-a-plan" I mean, we casually talked about it one time in the car). We started with putting Jayci in a big-girl bed. Mostly because we ~~lost~~ misplaced the screws to hold her crib together when we transferred it to our new house, so we had no choice.

The first night we put her in her big-girl bed, we made sure to tell her how proud we were of how big she was. And remind her that just because there were no walls on the bed, didn't mean she could get out whenever she wanted. We told her to stay in bed, and then prepared for a rough night or two. But then we woke up the next morning to her yelling "mommy can I get out yet?" Booyah. We thought it might be a fluke, but she's been in her big-girl bed for almost four months now, and she's never come out without asking first. I just got a little panicked that I might have jinxed it or something by writing that down.

After we had her in her big girl bed, we knew it was time to get her out of those pull-ups and into underwear. I painstakingly drew out a "potty chart." Ok, so maybe I just put a piece of computer paper on the fridge and drew smiley faces on it when she used the potty. Every time she got five smileys, we got her a little treat or toy or something. We went ahead and put her in underwear and prepared ourselves to clean up lots of accidents and to stay in the house and so on and so forth. Since then (3 months ago), she has had 3 accidents. And two of them were in the middle of the night. Booyah. Two down, one to go.

We were especially dreading taking away her pacifier. Because Jayci LOVED her paci. She was only supposed to have it when she was sleeping or in the car. So sometimes she would say she needed to sleep just so she could have her paci. Then she would put her paci in the her mouth and close her eyes while laying on my bed or the couch, or the ground with her brother. I indulged it, because, hello? A few minutes of quiet while Jayci pretended to sleep were sometime life-savers in the madness. Also, sometimes she would sneak into her room and come out with her hand covering her mouth, because she had her paci in it. Plus, we had spent lots of time with a few different friends who had screaming children for a few days while weaning off the pacifier.

Since we are very organized and on top of things (ha), we formulated a plan to get rid of her pacifier after her third birthday. We figured that was enough time for her to be over the transitions of moving, having a little brother, having him in the hospital and then having him come home . . .We had lots of friends who had their kids give away their pacifiers to the baby cows, puppies, etc. But we don't think on our feet like that, so we just told Jayci that she was three years old now, and too old for her pacifier. We did, however give her a new "blankie" that she could cuddle. Then once again, we braced ourselves for sleepless nights, temper tantrums, and more. But we woke up the next morning without a peep from Jayci or even a mention of her pacifier. And we haven't heard a word since.

There you have it, the story of how we potty trained, got rid of paci, and transitioned to a big girl bed in a matter of two months. I think the key is that we waited so long. I'm pretty sure Jayci was starting to wonder about our parenting abilities and when we were going to let her grow-up already. It was all part of our master plan. Or not at all, but whatever works, right?

Now to teach her how to sleep through the night. Sigh. I'm beginning to think I will never sleep again. Between Jayci and Caden, we wake up every two hours at least. And we don't know what's going on with Jayci, she just started waking up constantly throughout the night. She screams that she's had a bad dream sometimes, other times she is asking for food, says her legs are hurting, or that she needs ice in her water, or a tissue for her nose. And other times she just wants her pajamas off so she can sleep in her underwear.

We have recently resorted to bribery, and offered her the opportunity to pick out a new toy if she will only, for the love of everything good, let us sleep through the night. And I reminded her that I get so grouchy when she keeps waking me up, and she doesn't like it when I'm grouchy . . . But nothing seems to be working. Any tips? Should we just wait til she's eight or so? Cause in this case I'm not sure our procrastination strategy is going to work. I'm just entirely too exhausted to keep it up.

The Other Shoe

2011-11-02T11:19:00.000-04:00

Autumn in Atlanta always catches me off-guard with its beauty. The sky has deepened to a brilliant blue. The wind breezes through my (blonde-tipped) hair with a slight chill, and I wrap my hands around my coffee mug to warm them when I sit on the front porch. Caden sleeps contentedly, bundled up in a blanket, while Jayci chases her new friends around, desperate to keep up with the big kids. Neighborhood children shriek and play raucously in our yard, and I feel my heart surge with a joy and contentment as the sun filters through deep scarlet and bright yellow leaves. The beauty of life, normal life, fills me to overflowing. And yet, I feel an uneasiness underlying it all. Like I'm just waiting for something to go wrong.

The past year and a half of our life has been, in a word, nuts. Things have felt out of control and all over the place. And hard. It took us a full year to find a house in the 'hood, get a contract on it, renovate it, purchase it, and move in. And the whole process was simply one thing after another after another. A comedy of errors, if you will. We even started saying "of course," when things went wrong. Like of course the investor decided to stop giving us money. Of course the closing got pushed back yet again. Of course the renters in our other house decided to stop paying us. Of course . . .

Then we finally, finally, closed on our new house. And Caden was born 2 days later. On the way to the hospital we were discussing how excited we were to put that chapter of our lives behind us. For things to finally be normal (well, as normal as life as inner-city missionaries can be) and for everything to not be such a TRIAL any longer. . . We clearly had no idea what God had in store for us next with Caden.

I wouldn't change a thing about Caden, because he is beautiful and perfect, part of who we are and who God's shaping us into. However, it all felt like yet another trial, something else we had to fight our way through. And now that Caden is home with us, and doing so well, it's still almost hard for me to breathe. To relax and trust. Like it's only a matter of time before the other shoe drops, so to speak. Before something else goes wrong.

Unfortunately, the waiting I feel myself doing is full of worry. Worrying about what might go wrong next. So when Jayci spikes a fever, I immediately conclude the worst. And I find myself not always trusting in God's goodness the way I want to. Not believing that He gives good gifts to His children. And not believing that Caden's health and our joy might be one of those gifts.

But even in the midst of niggling doubts and unfounded fears, I recognize God's graciousness to us. I accept that His ways are (thankfully) not our ways. Sometimes His plan looks just how we would want it to, and I sit on my bed and nurse my son as sunlight breaks through the bamboo blinds. And sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes our window gets broken so we can show grace. Sometimes our renters walk away, owing us more than six thousand dollars. Sometimes our bikes and lawnmowers get stolen. Sometimes kids get arrested. Sometimes parents don't get to bring their babies home from the hospital. Sometimes He has something bigger. Something we can't see, and may never see until we get to heaven.

But still I have to trust, I have to find a way to simply live without fearing what *might* be ahead. Without worrying about all the things that could go wrong. To trust God's hand is upholding us, even when things feel so normal it's hard to recognize our dependence.To believe, FULLY believe, that God loves giving good gifts to His children. And that He loves all of us with a fierceness that makes our love look so small, so inadequate, that we can't help but fall into His arms in gratitude and adoration.

Happy Halloween!

2011-11-01T19:09:00.000-04:00

Ok, are my kids the cutest or what? We borrowed both these costumes from friends, and as soon as we put that chicken one on Caden we knew it was perfect. Seriously, look at him. Adorable . . .

My husband looks frightening.

Some of our new neighbors tagged along with us trick or treating. Despite the wings on his hat, Tre-Tre assured us that he was actually a dead policeman. Hmm.

Jayci and her BFF Ava. . .

Jayci and her friends checking out someone's halloween decor.

Caden the Chicken and Jay the elephant - so cute.

And once again, Adam scares me.

The Warrant . . .

2011-10-27T22:00:00.002-04:00

I'm 26 years old, apparently. See, I told some kids this summer at camp that I was 25, and then did the math and realized that, in actuality, I am 26. I swear time just keeps going by way too quickly these days! Anyways, that means I have had my drivers license for ten years. Know how many times I've been pulled over in that time? Once. And I didn't get a ticket, just a warning. Have I mentioned that I'm a rule follower?

Anyways, somehow in the chaos of moving and having Caden, we failed to get our tags renewed on time. Shocking, I know. Unfortunately, our neighborhood has a higher-than-average number of police officers. Which resulted in getting pulled over for my expired tags when I was stuck behind a school bus last month. The officer said that I just had to get it taken care of before October 3rd, a month from when I got pulled over.

It turns out that all our "check engine" and other such lights were on, meaning we couldn't pass emissions. So we got them all turned off on October 1st. And you have to drive a certain number of miles after having the computer reset, apparently, so we failed our emissions. Which means that I didn't get it done in time. And then October 4th, I got pulled over again. And this time the officer explained that I had to show up in court in order to prove that I had taken care of getting my tags renewed. Oops. So it turns out that I missed showing up for my court date previously (I blame my lack of traffic ticket experience). Which means that I had my license suspended and a warrant out for my arrest. Oops. And before I could go to court to get that taken care of, I had to get my tag renewed. And all our lights had turned back on, so we had to get a new gas cap and reset the computer again. Which means we had to drive around again before getting emissions done.

ALL this rambling (seriously, I can't stop the rambling - my apologies) is to say that we FINALLY got my tags renewed. And I went to court at 7am on Thursday morning to get things straightened out.

Three hours later, after waiting in many lines and being shuffled all over the court house, I emerged less $200 and with a letter informing any police officers who might pull me over that the warrant for my arrest had, in fact, been cancelled.

Unfortunately, I still have to show back up in court for that second court date to prove that I have, in fact, had my tags renewed. Which seems like a massive waste of time, but who am I to judge the systems which the court has in place?

On a side note, some of the Occupy Atlanta protestors had been arrested and were waiting in the halls of the courthouse. The man in front of me in one of the many lines I stood in that day informed me: "I don't know nothing 'bout no protest, but man do them folks smell REAL bad." So there you have it.

And thus concludes the most boring and pointless blog post I have ever written. I apologize for the new low, but I mentioned the warrant and y'all were asking me about it . . .

The good news is that my street cred in my neighborhood has been raised significantly by my mention of the pending warrant for my arrest. Until, of course, I mention that it's for my expired license plate tag.

*Completely unrelated side note: I love this.

Hair Model?

2011-10-26T11:51:00.002-04:00

I've mentioned a few times on here that we have two roommates currently living with our family. Although we prefer to stay away from "roommate" to describe them, because they are so much more than that. Our goal is to live intentionally in community with these two sweet friends who desire to help serve our neighborhood alongside us. One of these "roomies" happens to be a hairdresser. And a few weeks ago, she asked if I would consider being a hair model for her, she wanted to try out something she had learned at a hair show. Since I'm ~~always~~ rarely adventurous, and because I tend to change my hair ~~often~~ never, I decided it was time for me to make a change. Let me tell y'all, it has LITERALLY been ten years or longer since I changed my hair style.

Exhibit A: High school hair

Exhibit B: College hair

Exhibit C: Newlywed Hair

Exhibit D: New (and very tired) Mom Hair

*and this one doesnt even really show my hair, but look at Jayci - she looks just like Caden, but with more hair!

Exhibit E: This past weekend hair

And the new hairstyle, compliments of Danielle (from today):

Apparently it's called "melting", and my hair has a lovely ombre effect with three different shades. I really love it, although I dont quite feel hip enough to pull it off. I'm going to need some new clothes probably. And maybe some tattoos and piercings. Right? Oh I kid. But seriously, big thanks to Danielle for the new look. She and I are certain that after posting it on here, this hairstyle will quickly become an international sensation . . . because hello? I look so good. Just kidding. And I'm pretty sure the kiddos are going to make fun of me, but I can totally handle the heat. After all, I spent all morning in court trying to get rid of the warrant out for my arrest. But that's another story for another day . . .

Fall Festival 2011

2011-10-25T12:21:00.001-04:00

Every year, we gather our kiddos and get ourselves down to camp for their annual fall festival. In fact, fall festival 2009 was Jayci's very first outing (she was one month old). If I recall correctly, she WAILED the entire way home in the car. Yes, yes she did. So this year, we took Caden and Jayci, plus Zack and Sabo and about 12 more kiddos from our neighborhood, many of whom hadn't ever been to camp before. It was a perfect day with beautiful weather, and it was fun to see old friends and spend time with some of our new little friends too!

We ended the day a little crazily rushing home because we got a call from the alarm company that our house had been broken into. The kids from the neighborhood were all really upset to hear that, which encouraged us that they feel invested enough in our family and our lives/home that they would care about something like that. Thankfully, it was just Adam's dad accidentally setting off the alarm, no harm done. I also feel as though anyone who DID break in would be sorely disappointed by our large tube TV that emits a high-pitched noise about 48% of the time when it's turned on. And my laptop which dies immediately when unplugged, which happens often because the cord is loose and falls out regularly.

Zack requested that I take this picture of him holding Caden. And then he looked at it on my camera and asked if I could print it out for him so he could hang it in his room. Is that not the sweetest thing ever? Melt my heart.

On Sunday, we celebrated Adam's sister's birthday, and thoroughly enjoyed some buffalo macaroni and cheese. Adam's mom is having pretty major back surgery this week, so she requested we also take some family pictures. Please take note of Adam's face. It was an epic battle to get him to stop making ridiculous faces in every picture. Also, be sure to keep Sheryl in your prayers for her surgery on Wednesday.

Let Him be Little (forever please)

2011-10-23T22:52:00.004-04:00

It has been sweet forever since I took part in one of I Heart Faces weekly photography challenges. Things have been, needless to say, a little crazy around here . . .But I saw that this week's theme was little ones - and since I have two little ones of my own, I figured I could scrounge up a picture to enter without too much effort.

While I was pregnant with Caden, I couldn't wait to take his pictures. See, it wasn't until after Jayci was born that I started really learning my camera and realized how much I loved photography. This means, however, that most of the pictures I took of Jayci before she was about one year old were, in a word, terrible. Ok they weren't TERRIBLE, but they are nowhere near the pictures I know I could take now. For this reason, I could hardly wait to capture my sweet newborn's first days at home. I just knew I'd be able to catch get him the perfect pose; because, after all, I'd have those first two whole weeks at home when they're all newborn sleepy, squishy, bendy perfection.

God's plans for our little Caden were different, obviously. I didn't take home a newborn, because by the time Caden was discharged from the hospital, he was almost a month old. Now, obviously, the overwhelming emotion I experienced at his coming home was joy and relief and gratitude. But I've realized that it's ok to grieve the fact that I missed those first few weeks of cuddling and holding (and taking pictures of) my little newborn. I have had to learn that I need to allow myself to fully experience both the good and the bad emotions on this journey. This means I can rejoice without fearing what's ahead, and I need to be able to mourn some things without feeling guilty.

Plus, once he was home, we still weren't allowed to put him on his tummy or pick him up under his arms, so I was super cautious to move him around too much etc (he did, after all, have a sternum that had been cut through and needed healing). That said, I don't have any of the newborn pictures of Caden that I envisioned while he was still snuggled in my belly. What I do have, however, are pictures of my little fighter that I love a whole lot.

I chose this picture because Caden is my little super-hero, he's overcome so much and touched so many lives already, and he's not even three months old! Also, I realized I never shared this one, and even though it's not perfect or what I had in mind for our newborn shoot, I still love it. A lot.

(ps-if you're coming over from I Heart Faces and don't know Caden's story, feel free to visit his Facebook page or look back at these posts to get up to speed).

http://www.iheartfaces.com/

*Don't forget to visit I Heart Faces for more little one pictures (including lots of beautiful squishy newborn pictures I'm sure -- I cant wait to go see them all!)

Warning: Way too many pictures

2011-10-20T11:47:00.003-04:00

I can't seem to stop taking pictures of my sweet kiddos. So I'll just go ahead and apologize now for the picture overload . . .

Weekend Recap

2011-10-18T19:01:00.002-04:00

I realize one would normally try to post a weekend recap on Monday, but just go ahead as anyone we know how often Adam and I are on time for anything. Let's just say it's a rare occurrence.

Both my grandfather and Adams grandparents were visiting from out of town this weekend, and none of them had met Caden yet. So our weekend consisted of much family time and plenty of gushing over how adorable and perfect our little man is. Not that we can blame them, cause we totally agree.

Thursday we celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving with my family, which is also known as a good excuse to eat an excessively large turkey dinner. Complete with maple pumpkin pie with cinnamon whipped cream, made by my pastry chef sister. Yes please.

Friday we headed up to Marietta to see Adam's grandparents. His grandmother made Jayci this beautiful quilt - I love it!

Saturday we trekked to the farm for my friend Megan's little girl's fourth birthday party. She is so creative and I knew it would be adorable but it really was just perfect. Jayci rode a horse, petted donkeys, and even milked a goat! The goat also ate her hat. Which is seriously unfortunate.

Sunday we picked up Zack and went to church and then headed back to Marietta for some more time with Adam's grandparents before they left. And y'all, I could have died at how sweet Zack was with Caden. And Jayci even told her sunday school teacher that she had three brothers and two were older than her. So we're guessing she meant Zack and Sabo, which just melts my heart.

So that about sums up the weekend. However, there were a few more points of interest from the weekend that I feel the need to share:

1-I finally cleaned out the car. Thanks to my brother-in-law Hash, I realized it was time to stop complaining about it on twitter and facebook and just clean it already. Well, that and Zack didnt have any room to sit in the car because of the various dirty dishes. And I kid you not, I pulled nearly two loads of laundry out of that thing. Which really stinks because it means now I have to do laundry.

2-The house next door to us is being renovated (by the same investor who owned our house). They work on it only sporadically, and the dumpster outside has been full for quite some time now. The past few days, we have been noticing that it's become especially stinky, and surrounded by flies. We've been watching The Wire, so that we have been joking that there are probably dead bodies inside. haha. Except the other day, Adam was teasing some teenage boys walking past about how bad they smelled, and they said "naw, that's the dead dog in there." Turns out that the dumpster next to our house is, in fact, the burial ground for Zeus, the extraordinarily large dead pitbull.We called the city and they were supposed to come pick it up today, but you know how that goes . . . the dumpster (and the dead dog) are still here.

Scars and Stretch Marks

2011-10-14T01:08:00.001-04:00

I step out of the shower and gently wipe the steam from the mirror. I notice again the fresh stretch marks across my belly. Somehow, I never noticed them during my pregnancy. They must have been hidden the way my feet were, by the bulk of my swollen belly. I didn't get a single stretch mark with Jayci, despite never using creams or lotions of any kind. So stubbornly, I followed the same non-regimen with Caden. And yet, here the stretch marks are. Browsing through Target the other day, I picked up some expensive cream that promised "VISIBLE-TO-THE-NAKED-EYE RESULTS." But something prickled within me, and I returned it emphatically to the shelf.

Because as much as I grumble about them, I can't help but think that my stretch marks feel like proof. A reminder that life is not how God intended it. Where I give birth to a son with great pain. And feel far greater pain when he was born with a broken heart.

But the jagged pink lines also remind me of goodness. Of how, despite our brokenness, God gives us hope. How out of the pain of childbirth comes new life. How leaves change colors and die, only to bud again in the spring. Seasons of hope follow seasons of pain. Joy comes from mourning.

I run my fingers along Caden's scar. The skin is raised and rippled, yet smooth. It fills his chest, yet somehow feels like an afterthought next to his luminous blue eyes. He grins and coos at me, and I am reminded again that out of brokenness comes beauty. And that the greatest gifts in my life seem to come from what was torn, and what the Lord has bound up.
I read the story of the fall yesterday, of how Adam and Eve left the garden. It's followed so quickly by the story of Abel's murder by his brother. And it only highlights what a broken and terrible world we entered when we left the garden. It's so easy to be overwhelmed by the pain. Because we all have scars, don't we? We all face disappointment and hurt. We are stretched, torn, and wounded again and again by this world.

And yet.

And yet, there is a depth in Caden's beautiful eyes. Like he knows. Somehow he knows that his scar is so much more than a mark of brokenness. It's a symbol of God's goodness. Of how our God loves to restore, to heal. To bind up our wounds and carry our infirmities.

Caden's sternum is bound together by wire. His bone grows back around the wire, fusing together who he was and who he will become. And his rewired heart beats steadily. And my heart, too, is made new.

His scars and my stretch marks remain. And they speak loudly of the God we serve. Of the way he has stretched us. Of how Caden's birth grew my faith along with my belly. Of how our greatest fears were both realized, and redeemed. Yes, they speak loudly of a broken and hurting world. But also of a restoring God who gives us new life. And I love that I serve a God who takes symbols of woundedness, takes that which I consider ugly, and he turns it into something beautiful.

Blurb and the Best Birthday Present Ever

2011-10-12T11:15:00.002-04:00

For Jayci's 3rd birthday, I got her a book of my blog. Because what three year old doesn't want a book of their mom's blog for their birthday? Exciting.

But seriously, I was super-excited to get this book in the mail. It's 12"x12" and 200 pages long. And it contains every post I ever wrote that mentions Jayci, from the moment we discovered we were pregnant until Caden was born.

You see, I did a terrible (as in I only filled in two pages) job keeping up a baby book for Jayci, but I did a really good job blabbing about her on my blog. So I figure that one day, she will like to read about it.

I just wanted to share with y'all what a fantastic job Blurb did with the book. If you have a blog, I'd highly recommend them turning it into a book. Because it's gorgeous, and Jayci and I love looking through it and reading it together.

Oh and I realized finally that y'all are totally right. Caden does look just like Jayci. It has been so fun to look back at my blogs and read about how God has been leading us. How we continue to be grown and stretched and changed daily. And how I still love cheese and diet coke.

Also, Blurb has no idea I'm writing this and didn't give me my book for free or anything. I just thought that many of y'all probably have blogs too and this might be something you would love as much as I do. You're welcome.

Big Sister + Little Brother = True Love

2011-10-10T06:30:00.000-04:00

Seeing my two babies together is one of the truest joys of my life these days. And yes, I realize that my daughter isn't necessarily a "baby" anymore. But to me she always will be. Poor girl.

I wanted to remember a few of the sweet things that Jayci does and says when she's interacting with Caden. One day, I want Caden to know how much his big sister adored him.

Every time Caden cries (which is currently not very often, but increases in frequency the stronger he gets), Jayci says "maybe he needs his big sister." And then she rushes to his side to give him his pacifier, or to reassure him or gently kiss his forehead. SO cute!

Jayci always tells me she's going to "check on Caden" when he's in his bed or swing. And whenever she comes up to one of us holding him or sitting near him, she says "will you tell him his big sister is here?" Actually, she makes us relay messages to him on a regular basis, and no matter how many times I try to remind her she can tell him herself, she would still rather us inform him of what she's doing.

"Will you tell brother his big sister got him his monkey?"

"Tell brother Jayci is giving him a kiss"

"Tell brother I'm going to teach him how to smile . . . "

She loves to kiss and hug her brother, and hold him. And she reminds every one of the kiddos who comes into the house that they need to wash their hands first before they touch her little brother. In fact, every single morning she runs into the bathroom and tells me she's going to wash her hands to make the germs go away so she can hold brother. She's far more responsible than I was at age 3 (or even last week), that's for sure.

Individually, I love my sweet children more than I even thought possible. But together? It's almost more than my heart can bear.

Truly, watching my children together is a beautiful gift. And because of everything that we went through with Caden, I am even more deeply aware of just how precious this gift really is.

Also, she uses the most hilarious high-pitched voice when she talks to him. Which I'm pretty sure she has come up with by trying to mimic me. So let's just pretend I don't sound quite as ~~ridiculous~~ adorable as she does. (In case you cant understand very high pitched voices, she's saying "hi buddy boy").

Big Sister from Becca Stanley on Vimeo.

Cardiologist (and Life) Update

2011-10-06T23:15:00.002-04:00

We took Caden to the cardiologist for his appointment today. I was a little nervous they were going to tell us we had to put the feeding tube back in, because he hasn't been doing a good job eating his entire bottle lately. However, he has jumped from the 10th percentile to the 35th percentile for weight, so the doctor said not only do we not have to put the tube back in, but he also said I could try and start nursing him! All I have to say is HALLELUJAH for no more pumping. Pumping is the devil.

Caden was also pleased at the good news.

The doctor said that his incision was looking great, and that his sternum was healing well. In another week or two, we should be able to pick him up under his arms instead of only scooping him up. Which deserves another hallelujah. The doctor did, however, say that his murmur is louder than it was last time. On a scale of 0-6, his murmur is currently somewhere between a 2 and 3. They would start worrying if it gets to a 4 or 5. He said the murmur is most likely caused by the replacement valve they put in, so just be praying it doesn't get any worse. The goal is still to keep him from having to replace the valve for at least another 3-5 years.

So basically, everything looked great, and Caden doesn't have to go back to the cardiologist for another 4 months. Adam and I continue to be blown away by what a gift Caden is, and what a blessing it is that he's doing so well!

In other news, our house is officially a mad house. We are going to need to do something to figure out some sort of method to the inner-city ministry madness that currently goes on in our house 24/7. I realize that's what we signed up for, but we just need some boundaries because oh my word with the exhaustion that results from having at least 10 CRAZY children in our house at all times. I'll probably be exploring what that looks like more on here, and asking y'alls advice. Because I'm clueless currently.

Today we took a stroll down to the park. Which was wonderful. But also meant we gathered a small mob of children along the way. Jayci loves it, and she also loves getting all dirty playing at the park with her daddy. Because who doesn't love that, really?

Jayci's new little friend who said "talk to the hand."

Caden's Birth Story

2011-10-04T17:26:00.000-04:00

Two months ago, Caden joined our family. Before now, I haven't really had the emotional strength to revisit that day in any detail. But I want him to know (and I want to remember) how his story began.

*I apologize in advance because this is very long. Don't feel like you have to read it all. And parts of this story you may have already read or heard. But I needed to put it all down in one place. Even though there were many times in the remembering that I had to stop writing and hold Caden close. To remind myself of how God redeemed that day, how he healed our son.

Tuesday, August 2nd.
My stomach fluttered with excitement as we arrived at the hospital late Tuesday night. We were scheduled to be induced early the next morning. The hospital was crazy-busy that night, and we ended up waiting for several hours before finally getting a room after midnight. We spent that time watching Shark Week on Discovery Channel, indulging our craving for an Oreo McFlurry, and chatting with the other expectant mothers who were waiting for rooms with us. Eventually, we were the only couple left sitting there. We snuggled close together on the couch, squeezing each others' hands, while I felt Caden's kicks and turns in my belly with a grin of anticipation. Adam and I talked about how we could hardly believe that the "house-nightmare" chapter of our story was finally over. And how excited we were to begin this new chapter, one that involved bringing our baby boy home to our new house and beginning a new ministry as a family. Our hearts were full, ripe with anticipation and joy at what lay ahead.

When they brought us to our room, we filled out paperwork, they gave me an IV, and they checked your heartbeat (everything sounded perfect). I was having contractions, but not regularly, and I was 4 cm dilated. Finally, at around 3am, we were able to turn off the light and get a few hours of sleep. I closed my eyes to the night-time hush of the hospital, and dreamt of seeing your face.

Wednesday, August 3rd.
7am came quickly, and I was jolted into excited wakefulness when the nurse came in to prep me for induction. Adam and I smiled widely at each other across the room as nurses came in and out. With the lights still low and my IV dripping quietly, the longing to hold you in my arms swelled in intensity as it grew closer to becoming a reality. Finally Dr Hirsch came in and they started me on pitocin. With Jayci, after they started the pitocin I eased gently into labor, and Jayci didn't make her appearance until mid-afternoon. I had plenty of time for visitors, chatting, and to get my epidural. Because of that experience, we told our family there was no hurry. However, this time when they started my pitocin at a two, my contractions started coming strong and back-to-back almost immediately. So much so that they turned the pitocin back down to one in order to give my antibiotics time to get in my body. Even after they turned the pitocin down, however, the contractions continued unabated. And I could feel myself getting a little panicky at how much they hurt. I kept reminding Adam this wasn't the plan. The PLAN was to have my epidural in plenty of time so I didn't feel any pain at all (cause that's how it happened with Jayci). Adam just held my hand, prayed with me, and kept telling me I should call the nurse to get my epidural. I finally did call for my epidural (I was afraid of getting it too soon since it had literally been like 30 minutes since they induced me), and it was about 15 more minutes before the anesthesiologist came in. After he gave me my epidural, I continued to panic slightly because the pain wasn't stopping. The nurse explained that the epidural might not be working because things were progressing so fast and furiously. When Dr. Hirsch came in, I explained (perfectly calmly I'm sure) that I needed to not be hurting anymore and that things weren't going according to my plan. He had the anesthesiologist come back in and they upped my epidural. He also told me that I was already 9.5 cm dilated and it was almost time to push. I gripped Adam's hand tightly, and we knew that the moment of Caden's arrival was almost upon us.

Thankfully, by this point the epidural had kicked in and although I was feeling a whole lot of pressure, there was no pain. I pushed through two contractions, and then on the third push, Dr. Hirsch told me to stop pushing because he was "about to fall out." And just like that, Caden made his entry into the world. I felt a rush of thankfulness and joy as they handed him to me and I clutched him to my heart. He was pink and crying and absolutely perfect in every way. Adam snapped pictures and we both cried tears of joy as they cleaned him up a little.

Adam and I enjoyed some time thanking Jesus for our sweet baby boy, and I held him close to my skin while he breastfed like a champ. We giggled and held hands and stared into Caden's eyes and thanked God for writing such a beautiful story. One of life and birth and new beginnings.

We were so excited for Jayci to meet Caden, to have our whole family together, that we quickly rushed out to tell our family that Caden Thomas Stanley had made his arrival, and to bring Jayci back in. When Adam came back in the room with our little girl, wearing her bright pink "super incredible big sister" medal around her neck, she suddenly looked so big, so grown-up, next to the tiny bundle in my arms. My arms and heart felt full as Adam sat Jayci next to me on the bed and she handed her brother the little green sock monkey she had picked out for him. And I realized I was someone different in than moment than I had ever been before: I was the mother of two. Two beautiful, amazing children.

After a few more minutes together with our little family of four, we sent for the rest of our family, and all of a sudden our room was a bustling, loud, joyful place. Full of laughter and tears of joy and hugs and snuggles. Everyone took their turns holding Caden, exclaiming over his beautiful head of hair, his little wrinkly forehead, and his tiny perfect nose. I lay on the bed and remember thinking through the haze of my exhaustion and pain medication that it was a perfect day. Every time I met Adam's eyes in the midst, or when Jayci demanded to see "brother" again, I thanked the Lord for this moment.

The nurse came back in and announced it was time to bathe Caden, prick his heel, take his measurements etc. He was 7lb 12 oz, 20 inches long, and he only whimpered a little as they bathed him.
Then she listened to his heart. And she heard a murmur. She assured us that so so so many babies have heart murmurs, and it would probably go away. But she was going to check his oxygen levels just to be sure. And they were an 89. They had to be 90 in order for him to stay in our room with us. Anything below 90 and he had to go up to the NICU as a precaution. But the levels were fluctuating and a few times when she picked up the phone to call and have him sent up, the number jumped above 90 and she would hang up. Finally she decided to go ahead and send him up, reassuring us they would just observe him for an hour or two and by the time we were sent up to our room, he would just meet us up there. I felt a flutter of concern and asked what could cause this. Everyone assured us that it was probably nothing, and it happened to lots of babies and could be totally normal. I don't know if it was my exhaustion or the reassurances of those around us, but I was surprisingly unworried. I just felt ready for everyone to leave so I could sleep. I wanted to go up to our room, meet my baby boy again up there, and spend the next two days enjoying our new baby, sleeping, resting, recovering, and discovering who Caden is. . .

Slowly, our visitors started to head out to let us rest. Adam took Jayci and his parents upstairs to the NICU to say goodbye to Caden before they left to give Jayci a nap. He said he would just meet us in our new room and hopefully Caden would be with him. I nodded sleepily as they left. My mom and sister stayed until they wheeled us up to our new room, and then they too left at my insistence that Adam and Caden would be there soon. I closed my eyes and tried to rest before realizing that I needed to pee, and then wanted to try and find Adam. As I shakily pulled myself out of bed on wobbly post-epidural legs, and tried to get to the bathroom, I felt a stab of annoyance that Adam was still upstairs. I needed his arms to help me to the bathroom, and I wanted to see Caden. Despite my annoyance, I remember feeling triumphant at my accomplishment as I lifted myself back into bed and buzzed the nurse, determined to track down Adam and Caden and tell them to hurry up and get downstairs. She brought a wheelchair to take me upstairs, and was just helping me climb in when Adam walked back in.

His eyes were red and puffy, and he wasn't alone. The cardiologist was there with him, and in that moment I knew something was terribly wrong. It was as if all the air had been sucked out of the room. I looked at Adam with questioning in my eyes, all my annoyance forgotten, and only fear coursing through me. What? I asked. What is it?

It's Caden, he said. Something is wrong with his heart.

My stomach dropped and I was acutely aware of my own heart beating loudly. Adam wheeled me through the hallway to the NICU, and the cardiologist handed me a piece of paper with a drawing of a heart on it.

My hands shook as I read: Less than 1% of babies.Critical. Severe.

Finally I told the cardiologist I had no idea what it all meant. He explained that they had found some severe heart defects. And that Caden was going to need to be transferred immediately.

I asked what caused it, why this had happened. My mind immediately went to the diet cokes I had drank, to the glass of wine. The lack of spinach. The throwing up and never keeping down my prenatal vitamins. The doctor explained that they don't really know. Sometimes it's genetic, sometimes it's environmental, and sometimes it's just chance. He said he wanted to look into the medication I had been taking, but he wasn't really sure. I was devastated, full of pain and remorse that I had already failed so hugely as a mother. I knew that this was my fault somehow, that I had done something wrong . . .

I gripped Adam's hand tightly, as a pain far more severe than the contractions I felt earlier flooded through me. Tears washed my face as they wheeled me next to Caden, and I saw him hooked up to machines. Beeping and flashing lights surrounded my beautiful baby boy. And the transport team was waiting, watching as we blinked away tears and tried to comprehend what they were telling us.

They asked me if I wanted to hold him. I nodded through my tears and sobbed into Adam's arms as they unhooked Caden slowly and handed him to me. I couldn't believe it. He was perfect. His little eyes still closed, his forehead wrinkled in dismay that he was being moved. He snuggled in my arms and I held him close to my beating heart. I breathed prayers that didn't go beyond "please God." And I never let go of Adam's hand. We both whispered over Caden how much we loved him. How glad we were to have him. We held tightly, fiercely, to him until they told us they needed to take him now.

Finally I asked the question that had been lodged in my throat. The one I desperately needed to ask. But was terrified to hear the answer to: "Is he, I mean . . . will he be ok? . . . Is he going to die?" I asked and immediately dissolved into tears.

The cardiologist gently answered, and I saw in the eyes of the nurses watching us how sorry they were, and all he said was "I don't know." He said that Egleston was the best place for him and they were going to do more tests and they would know more then. But he reiterated to us that Caden was very sick and he needed to go now.

Everything was such a blur as they took him from my arms and placed him in the transport unit. They hooked him up, checked his vitals, and got him ready, as Adam and I just stood and watched. Numb. Scared.

One of the ladies who was taking him away stopped for a minute and got her face close to mine. She grabbed my hand, and told me that she had been doing this for 20 years. And that they never know what causes these things. She said I didn't do anything wrong, that it wasn't my fault. I will be forever grateful for her taking a few seconds to reassure me. I held on to her words as they wheeled him away.

Adam and I hugged each other and sobbed. Hard. So hard, in fact, that the nurses asked if we wanted to go to the parents' room, apparently specifically designed to contain frantic new parents whose babies are sick. We declined the room, pulling ourselves into some semblance of sanity, and began to figure out what was next.

They said it would take them a little while to get Caden all checked in, and that Adam couldn't ride with him in the ambulance, but could follow behind. I whispered that I couldn't be alone. I wouldn't survive it in my current state. Adam said he would wait for my sister and mom to come back (they hadn't left that long ago) and then he would have his family and some friends meet him at Egleston so he wouldn't be alone either.

Back in our room, we prayed together, desperately. We cried some more. My heart and arms ached to hold my baby, to make sure he wasn't alone. Or afraid. Then Adam called our families, and we posted on the blog.

I'm not really sure how we even made it through that day. I remember that we had to make a decision in that moment. We had to decide if we still believed that God was who we had always said He was. If He was still good. If we were still going to trust Him. We knew something like this would either destroy us, destroy our marriage, destroy our faith, . . . or make us stronger. And somehow, that day, we chose to believe God still loved us and had a good plan for our futures, for Caden's future. And we knew it would make us stronger.

Friends and family sat with us that night as Adam visited Caden, and I sat in my hospital gown on my bed. We laughed a little bit. I burst into tears again and again as I remembered that they weren't bringing me Caden to nurse. That he wasn't down the hall in the nursery, or laying in the little bassinet next to my bed. Adam didn't get to see him that night, because there was an emergency in the CICU. But he sat outside the doors and prayed for Caden. And we prayed for Caden in our hospital room. And y'all prayed for him all over the globe. And the next morning, we went to Egleston's to see Caden, and to begin a new chapter in the story God was writing with our lives.

From here, you know most of the story. We tried to let people journey with us through this. But I want you to know that there were moments of darkness. Of pain and doubt and fear that ran far deeper than any words could express. But there was also hope, even in the midst of the deepest fear I've ever felt. There was hope in knowing that Jesus sat with Caden in that ambulance. That my Heavenly Father was carrying Caden as they took Him from me. And we knew that even if we didn't want to pray, even when we felt like this was unfair, when we were angry and sad and confused as to why this was happening, even then we knew that we had nowhere else to go. Like the disciples, we said to Jesus, "Where else can we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” Because without Him holding us, without the promise of Him holding our son, we never ever would have been strong enough to survive those scary first moments, days, and weeks of Caden's life.

We were somehow able to see through our fear and doubts that Caden was still our beautiful, perfect son. That God was writing a story with our lives and with Caden's life that was much bigger than us. There were dark nights. That first night, especially, was fraught with pain and fear. But light shines brightest in darkness. And the gift of our son, whose life began so beautifully on that day, it brought light to our lives. It shines in the darkness of our fears. Even in those moments when I longed to just go back and feel the pregnant anticipation of a healthy new baby. When I wanted to change and fix things. Even then, his light changed us. Caden and Jesus together, they changed us. They made us better people, better parents, better friends, a better husband and wife.

Today, as I hold my son and write these words, I want him to know the beautiful beginning of his story. To know that God used him to change people, to make me a better mom. And to know, above all else, that we don't want anything to be different about who he is. Adam and I just think he is absolutely perfect and we could not be more grateful that God entrusted him to us for that first day, and for every day afterwards.

Weekend Shenanigans

2011-10-03T08:30:00.000-04:00

Monday morning comes quick these days, doesn't it? Actually every morning comes far too quickly - before I've had anywhere near enough sleep to face it . . . And we're about to leave to go to Caden's doctor's appointment. It's just a routine pediatrician this time, next week he goes back to the cardiologist. It's actually his two month check-up. Which seems absolutely insane, I cannot even begin to fathom that he's already two months old!

Friday night we ate dinner (Mexican - hooray for tacos and cheese dip!) with my parents and sisters. And then came back here and sat out on the front porch. Oh how I love people-watching. Too bad it's getting quieter on our corner these days now that it's getting colder.

Saturday, we went to Sabo's football game. Granted, we were there about an hour late and only caught the last twenty minutes. But welcome to our lives, it's LIT-RALLY impossible for us to get anywhere on time. Ever. However, it was totally worth the $20 admission for Sabo to know that we cared enough to be there. And also to see Jayci dancing and cheering for Sabo. And also to see our little buddy in his sweet hat. I'm loving this colder weather.

On Saturday night, Jayci spent the night with Adam's parents, Adam had a game night with neighborhood kiddos, and I went with some friends to a craft show and to eat Mexican food. So basically, it was a perfect night! It was good for my heart to spend some time with good friends, especially because it was my first time doing something like that since Caden was born.

Sunday we went to church, picked up Jayci, and then went to church again (church dinner). It was a great day and a wonderful weekend. In between all of those things, we hung out with kiddos on the porch, enjoyed the cooler weather, and watched some episodes of The Wire. We're crazy like that.

Speaking of crazy (and I mean seriously crazy), it turns out that someone is pretending to be me on facebook. Like posting pictures of my kids, copying my status updates and everything. It gives me the heebie jeebies. Ick. I cant imagine why anyone would ever do anything like that. And particularly, why anyone would pretend to be ME. Weird.

My Little Dancing Diva

2011-09-30T11:45:00.001-04:00

I never thought Jayci would be a dancer. I mean, I hated dance class the ONE DAY that I was enrolled. I blame my lack of, ahem, grace. Oh and rhythm, I also lack in rhythm. However, Jayci's friend Ava was signed up for a dance class in our neighborhood. And Jayci pretty much loves all things Ava-related, so I knew she'd enjoy it.

They told me I had to buy her a leotard, and then I couldn't figure out if the tights went over or under the leotard. Or what shoes she should wear with said leotard. Oh man, I'm so clueless about this stuff. Luckily, Jayci's cuteness and enthusiasm more than makes up for my clue-less-ness.

Anyways, parents were only allowed to sit in on the first two classes. So obviously, I had to take lots of pictures those two classes to hold me over for her "recital." Besides taking lots of pictures, I also laughed a lot because the three year old dance class? It is hilarious and cute all rolled into one. I love it.

This is her embarrassed face. Also, I apparently opted for under the leotard, but it doesn't look very comfortable right here . . . Hmmm.

At the end of the class, they go around the circle and give each other "sunshine" which means they say nice things to each other. Here is Ava and Jayci giving each other sunshine. So cute.

I think the popsicle tattoos go well with the dance ensemble.

On the way to her first class, Jayci informed me that she was going to "show them her moves." I think this is one of them. And it's a pretty sweet move if I do say so myself.

Jayci and Ave held hands every moment that they weren't actively dancing.

"Da Crib" - Kitchen Tour

2011-09-28T16:19:00.000-04:00

I realize it has been a long time coming, but I finally cleared out my kitchen enough to snap some pictures for you guys. Granted, I merely dumped most of it on the dining room table and put it back after I shot these, but still . . . at least my kitchen looks clean for once!

Those of you who have been hanging out here for a long (LONG!) time might remember the "before" shots.

I would have to say that the "after" is a big improvement. Some might even say "huge gigantic improvement." I love our kitchen so much, it's definitely my favorite room in the house (it's also the most "finished"). It's perfect for kiddos congregating, making big meals, sitting at the bar and chatting . . . I was a little nervous about the "Tame Teal" wall color (that, as it turns out, is not actually very tame) but i love how it turned out once we got cabinets and trim and accent colors up. We added the beadboard ceiling and crown molding, but the rest of the trim is original to the home. The cabinets are painted a light gray color (Sherwin Williams - Passive Gray).

Our countertops are made from these huge butcher block tables that we got for free from an industrial warehouse. They were badly scratched and beat up, and we just had out cabinet guy sand them down and voila! Beautiful butcher block counters for FREE dollars. Oh and Adam's dad made the corbels for the bar top and the open shelving from the same butcher block. No biggie, he just whittled them or whatever. He's a whiz with making things. We treated them with mineral oil and beeswax, and so far they are holding up great.

The pendant lights are DIY, made using a pendant light kit from Home Depot and and some old egg baskets we found at an antique store. I was just about to tell y'all they were surprisingly easy to make, but then I realized that I didn't actually do any of the work so you will have to ask Adam how hard it was . . .

The bar top is made of concrete. We made it (remember, I use the term "we" loosely, and primarily to refer to "Adam did it completely on his own without any of my help") using the DIY instructions found on Kelly Moore's blog. I will say that the counter weighs approximately 600 lbs. Not that I lifted it. Cause I didn't. I love the patina from stains and water rings and bubbles . . .it adds so much character! True story: The FIRST time we ever ate at the bar, Zack spilled his hot wing sauce all over, leaving a lovely stain that taught me much about NOT FREAKING OUT over our new house and keeping it perfect (a crucial lesson considering how many kids tend to hang out in our kitchen these days).

We were able to save most of the original hardwoods throughout the kitchen (we did have to replace some boards that were rotted), and we just had them sanded down and covered with a satin-poly (without any stain, we wanted to keep the color variation). The adorable hand towel was a gift, I think it's from Anthropologie.

Adam and I have continual debates over the open shelving. He keeps trying to make them more "functional" by stacking large quantities of plates and bowls etc. On the other hand, I insist they are meant to be decorative. Which is really a reflection of our relationship: I'm decorative and he's functional. Meaning he does all the work. My analogy breaks down a little with me being "decorative" and yet never wearing makeup or doing my hair these days . . . oh well.

We used subway tiles with gray grout for the backsplash. I love how it turned out, and feel like the darker grout adds some interest and ties it in with the cabinets. The farmhouse sink (hello lover) is from Ikea. It's large and deep and perfect for stacking up many many dirty dishes. Not that I'd ever NOT do my dishes immediately. The plates on the wall are from Anthropologie, there was also a pretty pink one that didn't survive the move. Oops.

So that's our kitchen . . . thanks for visiting "da crib" (as it's named on Four Square - which Adam signed me up for and I never remember to use) Sadly, I am not the "mayor" of "da crib." Whatever that means.

Stay tuned for more room tours. Someday. When I have a chance to move the clutter around again.

*I'm linking up here -- be sure to visit!

In his smile

2011-09-27T17:45:00.001-04:00

In your smile, I see hope.
I am reminded of God's goodness.
Of His love

I remember days spent in the hospital
Not sure of the future,
scared of what lay ahead.

But I also remember moments held close
and flashes of hope

Knowing Him as the Great Physician
And as comforter,
And healer,
And mender of broken hearts.

When you smile at me

My heart aches anew at the realization
Of God's goodness

You are a miracle
Beautiful, healthy
Whole.

And because of you
Our hearts are all healed
and our family is whole.